He was my first love. I can never love another man the same way I have loved him. I know love differs from the last, but my heart will never love the same way. I don’t get the butterflies, the beating of my heart racing, or the stuttering you get when you're nervous as he talks to you. All those feelings went away when he did. I can never get those back. Every Spring I smell the flowers and a memory of him comes to mind. I can smell the scent of his cologne he would wear every day and I think back to the first time he hugged me. He had on a black jacket with a red strip going down the sleeves. Every Summer as the sun shines and heat waves become unbearable, I remember the time he helped me carry my books to the library. I remember all the times we would walk to class together. I remember the fun we had after school going to the park just to sit and talk. I remember talking about what we wanted for our future families as we watched a father play catch with his son. How he wanted to spoil his kids with love because he never had that. He wanted to teach them from right and wrong. He hoped for it and I wonder if he still prays for it. I remember the moment we had a staring contest, and I was going to lean in to kiss him, but I blinked and he had won. I remember the time he drew something in the sand and I pretended to mess it up. He chased me around the playground like we were little kids again. Laughing and smiling as he caught up to me and embraced me in his arms. He picked me up and then put me down as we continued laughing. His laugh and his smile were my everything. Every Fall as the wind blows and I would feel a gentle breeze sweep across my cheek. I close my eyes and I can see his face. I can feel his presence with me. I remember when the first time we met, and he asked me to sit next to him because I was all alone in the back of the class. I remember the time he wrapped his coat around me as we wait for our ride to show up. I remember the time we were at the mall and went to see a movie. Our friends had left, and it was just us. We were both falling asleep and he let me rest my head on his shoulder. And when someone would make me cry, he was there. Even though he said little and he listened to me vent, him just being there was enough for me. And every Winter, the smell of the rain brings back the memory I remember the most. It was pouring rain as we all wait for our ride. He took off his coat and told me to put it on. He stripped all of his clothes off and ran around in the rain. He had his boxers and shoes on. I held on to his pants and shirt. He made us all laugh and I remember thinking, this is the guy my heart wants. He came back and put his clothes on as our ride showed up. We all get into the car and on the drive, I glance at him. His hair dripping wet as he looks down at his backpack, smiling. Then he looks out the window and his smile fades. And in that moment I knew... I knew I had fallen in love with him. But now every season is just a memory. And Summer had become my least favorite memory. He had to leave, and there was no way for him to stay. I remember the moment he told us when we were at the park. He was leaving and not coming back. He had trouble with his family, and it was the best thing to do. I remember going home and crying in my room. I remember the last day we saw each other. He walked me to class like he always did and we talked. I told him I would miss him and we hugged. It was the longest hug we ever had, and I held back my tears as he pulled away. We smiled at one another and he walks away. I watch him until I couldn’t see him anymore and I went into class. Every moment I remember, I think of all the times I could have kissed him. All the times I could have told him I loved him. But I didn’t until it was too late. We stayed friends and have both moved on, and this is my only regret in life. Although we rarely speak to each other and we moved on, he is still the reason I get up every morning. He’s all I think about before I go to sleep and he’s all I think about when I wake up. He has my mind, my heart, and my soul. I can never love this way again.
