I'm Okay

The sound of my alarm wakes me up. I lie in bed with my eyes closed for a few minutes, thinking about all that has happened in the last two years, hoping as usual that all this is a dream... no a nightmare from which I will awake. I open my eyes and sigh. All I can see is the white ceiling over my head illuminated by the yellow light from the bathroom.

The room looks a lot like the very first hospital room we had been in. I think about how I had never slept in a hospital before my mother told me she had cancer. A month after she had told me, she had to have her first chemotherapy treatment and the doctors wanted her to spend a week in the hospital. That was the first time I slept in a hospital.

I was fifteen. At first it was only check-ups from time to time. Then it was going to the hospital every day to find one doctor or the other. Since she was an elderly woman they had to take precautions and do a full body check up. When people found out what had happened everyone would ask me how I was and how I was holding up. I didn't understand yet. I was like a flower at the beginning of the day, fresh and full of life. Right now I feel as though that flower no longer exists. I feel as though I have lost all my emotions. Then I find myself crying. That is the only time I feel as though some part of my soul is still intact. Now a days when they tell me we have to go back to the hospital it is a little too normal. I feel nothing.

My eyes rest on the hospital bed in which my mother is lying down sound asleep. The chemotherapy drug, in a clear plastic pouch, half full hangs on the stand next to the bed. The chemo is administered intravenously meaning she has a needle inserted in her vein next to her collar bone. Sometimes she would end up tangled with her tube and I would have to help her get untangled. Or sometimes she would lose the strength to roll the stand with her so I would have to walk next to her and push the stand. Right in front of the bed is a cupboard with all of her stuff neatly lined up one after the other; all of the clothes are neatly folded. We have been in and out of hospitals so often that by now we are so organised in how we keep our things arranged, how we pack everything we know we will need for our stay.

I sit up and sigh again. I look at the time to see that it is five-thirty and I still have an hour before I have to start packing up to head home. I walk up to the window which is right next to her bed and look out to see that it is still dark outside. I feel a slight shift next to me and hear a small sound. I turn and see that my mother is awake. I whisper a good morning before asking her if she wants tea. She nods her head eagerly and I get on with the job of preparing her morning tea. A cup of water, a tea bag, and a spoon of powdered milk. As soon as I'm finished I go and make sure she is comfortable before giving her the cup. I lift the top of the bed till she is in a sitting position. I then stuff a couple of pillows behind her head and shoulders. Once she is comfortable I hand her the tea cup. I rub my eyes to rid them of sleep; I have stayed up half the night to make sure she was okay and the drip was working.

The morning nurse knocks on the door and enters the room. She checks on the bag of fluids which is slowly emptying drop by drop. She then checks on the valves. Everything seems to be fine. She then asks my mom several questions and I answer a few questions as I know that she may not have paid too much attention to certain things. Finally the nurse walks out satisfied with all the information she needs and continues on with her morning routine.

I hear my mother shuffling out of her bed and go help her get up. I support her till I'm sure she is steady on her feet. I then offer her my arm and grab the stand with my other hand. We slowly shuffle towards the bathroom. I position the stand so that it will not bother her. I sit on the extra cot in the room, waiting for her to finish.As soon as the door opens I rush towards her to grab the stand and help her shuffle back to her bed.

We talk about this and that as nurses walk in and out of the room. Soon it is six thirty and I have to leave. I kiss her on the cheek and say goodbye. The taxi I had ordered is waiting for me. I have left some of my belongings in the room.