The Diary of Amara Rayne

Drowning In Self Pity

1/27/19  

Dear diary,

Have you ever wanted to kill yourself but choose not to because you believed you had people to live for? Well, I am slowly starting to think I don't have any anymore, all the time I think about death not any death but my death. Who will speak at my funeral? Who will show up? Slowly, every day I am losing myself more and more, and I don't understand why. I have a great family, I'm friends with popular kids, and I'm popular. But every time I walk into the school I feel so lonely. The loneliness is a never-ending feeling, no matter how many people I am around the feeling doesn't go away.  Being forced to constantly laughs and smile. Always being known as an energetic happy friend I can never be sad. The facade can never stop, no one can know how I am feeling.

Everyone always wants to be in the popular friend group till they are until they have to deal with being compared to this and that person in the friend group. And the friend group is never a real friend group, just a bunch of girls who talk about each other but then come back to each other as if nothing ever happened. It's always the "I love yous" and the "I would never say that about you" but I know it's a lie.

Although I despise liars, I am the biggest of them all. For my reputation to stay intact, I have to lie all the time to maintain it. I can't go to a class period without being quiet or somebody will ask me if I'm ok. Is it so bad to be quiet? Everyone always tells me I'm too loud even when I'm not. I hate it so much. Being a bubbly friend makes me want to scream and cry but I can not do that.

I and Kenzie were used to being the best of friends until one day she just stopped. I don't know what I did wrong but it hurt me so much out of all my friends because I and Kenzie used to do everything together.

I do not understand how someone could turn so easily on you. After answering my calls all the time but I slowly started to notice, she stopped answering less and less until she stopped answering at all. Now we only speak in school and my words cannot adequately describe the pain I still feel to this very day.

My insecurities drown me when I am around them. I hate when they say they are not pretty because the way I look at them all I see is the beauty that they hold. That's all I ever see with them until I look in the mirror. I may act all confident in person but once I get home I drop the whole act. I hate looking in the mirrors, the mirrors just remind me of how ugly of a person I am. My friends get any guy they want, they have them lining up for them, but I do not at all. I am the complete opposite of my ever so perfect friends I have. With the height that Kenzie has, the amazing personality Alina has, the being able to have the confidence to go up and talk to any person that she wants to like Arai, the perfectly straight A's that Lily has, and the contagious laugh Skyler holds. They are so unbelievably beautiful, even if they don't realize it I do and everyone around them does. As they walk by, they get adoring gazes that are always meant for them, not for me. While I am entirely undeniably happy for them, I sometimes wish it was me.

I don't think anyone knows how I feel until they are in my shoes until they are in my place. Every single person I have liked that person goes and looks at my friends. I cannot blame them for that at all, they just think I hop from one person to the next. But that is not true. Each person I end up liking doesn't like me back or find out about my friends.

With a name that means love, I wish I had someone to share it with. All the romance novels I sit up reading till 3 or 4 in the morning. I sit and watch all the girls meet their dream guy, the ones who can put up with their attitude and do not just call it quits as soon as an argument happens.

In the novels, the girls have beautiful moments with their special person, running in the rain, attending carnivals, having picnics up under the moon, and staying up all night to watch the sunrise. I wish to have a someone love me  the way Jack loved Rose from  Titanic, the way Jack made Rose promise to stay alive until she can no longer. The way they had the most fun in their lives even though, one had to die so one could live. The way Rose never forgot Jack even after he died. I wish want to have that kind of love.

A kind of love that lasts even after death, the kind in which both partners feel the same ever so strongly that every time they think about not being together it hurts , the kind in which me and my partner can look each other in the eyes and smile at the same time. Our moments of laughter at nothing just because, the comfortable silence without talking, but enjoying each other's presence. Knowing we were meant to be, knowing we are soulmates. I want that type of love, I want to be loved in that way. 

Love,

Amara Esmeray Rayne

Word count 1039

I do suggest listening to the music maybe the music can feel the words better. But I hope you enjoy the very first chapter of Amara's Diary.

~extra songs that were not added to the list~

JE TE LAISSERAI DES MOTS - PATRICK WATSON

WHERE IS MY LOVE  - SYML (ACOUSTIC VERSION)

O BUILD A HOME   - THE CINEMATIC ORCHESTRA

COLOR ME BLUE - AKANE

FOURTH OF JULY- SUFJAN STEVENS

QUIET RESOURCE - EVELYN STEIN