The Diary of Amara Rayne

Vulnerable

1/30/19

Dear Diary,

Are you able to describe the feeling of being loved? I mean people usually say the same things when it comes down to being in love. They say that they make them happy. I think my luck with boys or girls goes down the drain very fast. How come I have trouble finding my soul mate? All too often, people bump into each other, and then suddenly, 80 years later, they are still with them.

Why could that not just be me? Why is it that no one tells me I am beautiful today? Whenever I feel insecure, they would just tell me how they see me. But I do not have any girlfriend or boyfriend to tell me that, I fall for dumb boys who want nothing to do with me.  They only want to fuck you and then leave you like nothing even happened. They pretend to like you never even exist.

But I do not want that I want him or her to tell me before I go to bed how I do not look like any of those models on Instagram but I look better than them in their eyes. How they would rather prefer me, they would just sit there and listen to me rant. Even if it is the stupidest thing. They would listen to me and smile and be glad they see me happy.

I feel like no one understands me at all when it comes down to serious emotions. I'm used to being playful but I do not see how they can not tell when I am hurt. Whether it's about the size of my eyes or whether I have enough curves, little comments boys make about me can make me feel uncomfortable.

Having great confidence does help very much until it comes with your lowest of lows. Some days I have my highs and the highs are amazing I'm smiling and laughing. Had the most fun of my life, making the memories last forever. But then the lows, the lows are very very low.

The lows can hit you any time any place. The thoughts In my brain don't just have a timer or a schedule for when I can hit the darkest paths of my life again. I can go from laughing to thinking about one thing and then everything is crashing.

The constant throb and burn in my chest, slowly let the insecurities take over. Not being able to stop the tears on my face from flowing. They keep on going and going and going till I have nothing left. Till I feel empty and go sleep away the pain. Trying to sleep away the pain is the worst part.

See this is the part where I start losing friends. My inactivity has caused them to drift apart. I finally start to look around and see that everyone who once came and talked to me does not show up. Instead of asking if I was ok or trying to help me out they just pretend as if I exist. Sometimes I do not know what's worst teenage boys or your supposed friends. Because your friends were your friends then they would have never called quiets so early.

The lack of concern always kills me in each friend group I have been in. As a result of attending many schools, I have had many different friend groups over the years. Throughout elementary, middle, and now the very end of high school.

I have learned from experience multiple times that trio friend groups also never work. Two people are always closer and then that one person is left out. And that one person is usually me. It could be my awkwardness or my over-exciting personality.

I feel like if I am not the over-exciting person someone will see me as weak. No one can see somebody as weak if they are over the top, happy, and always trying to help. No one expects it all. The feeling of being vulnerable and depending on another person scares me.

Once I start depending on someone I  have to tell the person the real reason. I don't think I am ready to open that door to anyone. The part where I have to talk about my parents and the way they talk to each other.

The way my dad screams when he is mad. The way both of my parents through different profanities at each other and then leave for days on end. And one day I just come home from school and I see they have made up.

I would have to tell that person who I depend on tell them how my parents care and love my brother more than they do me. The way they make me feel like I am just a chore they have to deal with. The way I have to explain why it hurts so much and why I feel that way. I do not want my vulnerability to be a reason I get hurt in the end.

Love,

Amara Esmeray Rayne

Word count 848

A/n'

Hi, guys hope you enjoyed this chapter of the vulnerable Amara feels.