Welcome to my Mind

Chapter One

17 year old Alice had anxiety. It had been a part of her life for a long time. She had learnt to deal with it though. Everyone at school thought she was weird, and out of control. She tried her best to fit in but couldn't. She often thought even if she healed completely she would still stand out. Just the memories from kindergarten when she would collapse to the floor blinded by panic and fear from the sound of a pencil sharpener, was enough for her classmates to hate her.

In those early days she hadn't known how to handle things.

Loud noises were triggers for her panic attacks, but she could never express this. Her parents didn't know until she was 6 and it got so bad they had to pull her from school. It took a year before the therapist said it would be ok to go back. The second grade was just full of Alice trying to hold it all in, and mostly succeeding. Mostly. She got better over the years but no one ever forgot. It was her last year in school and she was just trying to hold out.

She didn't know if she was going to college or have any kind of future. Everything was essentially a mystery. This bothered her a few years ago in 10th and 11th grade and she had tried to convince everyone she was perfectly normal, but it had gotten worse. It was like little flickers of 2nd grade were relieving themselves.

She had a panic attack in school for the first time in years a few weeks ago. So Alice gave up on knowing anything. Sometimes you just learn to let darkness take control. It becomes ok. And that's when there is no return. This is where the story begins.

I guess you could say the change started on November 30. Alice's mom was just a tad particular about Christmas decorating. Everything had to be done by December 1st but never before the 30th. So she limited herself to one day of decorating every year.

Alice always made sure to go to bed extra early that day. She lay in bed with as many blankets as she could wrap around her and a pillow on her head. The sounds waved up from downstairs and snuck in under the "soundproofing" pillow and stabbed her brain like a million tiny pins.

"I hate Christmas.'' Alice mumbled under her breath and threw the pillow across the room.

She sat up and stared at the wall across from her and sighed. She felt like Ebenezer Scrooge, all grumpy with everything in the world.

"How does anyone like this stupid holiday?" She pulled up her hood on her favorite blue hoodie and flopped back down on the bed.

She closed her eyes, thinking only for a moment but fell asleep. She dreamt a familiar dream, of a familiar place. It was December 1st, 12 years ago, and tiny 5 year old Alice clung to her father and mother in town square waiting for the tree to light.

They had an annual tree lighting every year and her mother loved it. There was food and dancing and live music, all the things a Christmas nut could hope for.

Alice was rosy cheeked and happy, all piled into a two sizes too big hand me down coat from the neighbors daughter. She was holding her mom's hand and sucking on a candy cane, staring up at the timer hung on the courthouse behind the tree. She was desperately trying to read what it said but had to ask her dad after a minute or two of trying.

He turned his head and said down to her "5 minutes sweetie!" She giddily spun around and did a little dance for her father to see, but when she looked back they were gone.

She called out "Mommy? Daddy?"

No answer.

Little waves of panic shuddered over her. Tears streaked down her cheeks and she shoved her way past the tall legs and thick puffy coats. She got out of the hot, clingy mass and looked around, but her parents had been swallowed by the crowd. She began to feel the anxiety and panic and it overwhelmed her.

Her little 5 year old instincts told her to hide. So she did, in the best place she could find. She scurried under a big black platform and curled up in the corner.

It was dark and comforting under there, until the band came back. Alice hadn't known that her "perfect" hiding spot was the stage and when the performers resumed everything shook with the weight of the sound. She tried to get out, do anything, but she couldn't find the way she had come in or any other way out. The anxiety crashed down and she caved in crying in a tight ball for hours. The band played on.

Finally the performers left, and the people cleared out.

She listened hopefully to the murmurs of content coming from the lingering people but none sounded familiar. The feeling of newly grasped calm lulled her to sleep in the suffocating darkness of the night.

Her dream always seemed to fade away there, the countless times she had it, but the real story continues. Maybe her mind just decided to end where the pressure of anxiety was relieved through sleep. In reality it continued, the worst part yet to come.

She woke up to a light flashing through the cracks of the stage, and muddled voices calling out a distorted version of her name.

She whimpered and coward in the corner until she heard her mothers shaky voice cry "Alice? Alice honey where are you? Alice!" Her voice was growing more and more distressed by the minute. Alice whimpered and stretched out of her sleep pressing her palm on the worn wood of the stage.

"Mama?" quietly escaped her lips, a soft whisper floating into the dark. It wasn't heard so she tried louder.

"Mama!? Help me!" "Alice? Alice! Where are you honey, talk to Mama!" Alice banged against the panels, anxiety returning shrieking. The lights returned peaking through cracks and a few panels down there was a loud crack and a light burst through. A shiny badge caught her eye as a police officer came through the opening.

The woman cooed to her, "Come here sweetie, it's going to be ok."

Alice thought the better idea was to bypass the scary lady and go straight to the familiar voice of her mother in the background. So she did just that, crawling through the officers legs and running to her mothers arms. She was gathered into a long, hard hug, tears flowing from four blue eyes. The night ended for Alice in her mothers arms, a Hollywood ending blurry and bright. But that wasn't the end, it never is.