my feelings (somethings are not meant to be)

sometimes things are not meant to be

some time its not meant to be.

recently iv been feeling that things are't meant to be whether its with a person or a thing sometimes you just know that it not what it seems.

its very draining to pretend that everything is alright but in your mind and heart you know its not.

if im honest im completely drained from it all i think i could use a long break that last about 3 years.

sometimes i tell myself like youll be alright just keep trying your almost there but on the other hand im like when the hell and i kidding ive been pretending for years and im still no closer to feeling like its getting any better.

but then again maybe its the people you surround yourself with that make it seem impossible to see the good more than the bad.

or maybe im wrong but sometime i should really say like nah maybe you are right, its not always your fault the way the someone else is acting.

i feel like im always to blaime when some else is in the wrong maybe its because i just take the wrap for what ever it may be but sometimes i should stop and fight back but i just cant fight back with some one i love so much or maybe im just a shit bag and dont want to face the problem head on but then again maybe i the problem i dont want to face.

i think i could really use some guidance but im to scared to ask for it so i just do it on my own like always because i like my own space and rules so i can say and do what i please when i please but maybe its a good thing getting help now and then but nothing will change if i dont change it myself.

maybe i should change myself to make people like me more or maybe i should surround myself with people that only care for themselves because in reality you are going to be the only person that has your own back because no one really cares about you until you are dead no one really wants to help unless you are in the hospital so u may aswell do it on you own, now thats the real reality of mental health and just in general even tho there is so many people that are saying we are here for you yet they dont message or call you or even speak to you when you need them most. some people only want you when you are pretending that you are happy but as soon as your alone crying into your pillow no one is there not a soul not even a text or call.