You may read this, you probably won't. But I'm trying to put into words what's going on in my head.
You can't use covid on me as a reason to not see my friends, when you disappeared to God knows where in the middle of lock down for almost a week.
Also when you send messages like the ones you did it just reminds me of when you want money for coke, all those times I've been half asleep and you wouldn't take no as an answer.
What about the time you locked us in your house?
All times me and Prim needed you when I had to go work. Before and after I dropped my hours.
Yes I slapped you once, when pregnant, when I'd been stood outside in the rain ringing the buzzer and had no answer and I thought you were ignoring me. I was in a very vulnerable state at the time, and I have said sorry countless times for it. I have tried to show you how sorry I am for it more times then I can think of. Its 7 years later almost and you still throw it in my face.
But explain to me how 1 slap almost 7 years ago compares to you stealing money from me and Prim. Or manipulating money out of me. Or locking me and Prim in your house while you sneak of in the night. Or messages like the ones you sent last week when I was out, knowing how often I actually get a moment to chillout without Prim.
I needed a break. I still need a break. My head is constantly feeling like it's about to explode right now. I'm constantly fighting with myself. I feel like I'm being dragged over the edge and I don't even know what the cause is. That's why I'm on antidepressants, cause I clearly need help right now, but the help I need is gonna take so long to get through talking matters... I need something to just help me function at the moment.
Me and Prim want you here, it's not home without you. But I know your going through all this crap as well, and I want to help, but I don't know how, other then to suggest speaking to the doctor, but I know you've already done that so I'm hitting a brick wall not knowing what to suggest or help. I'm struggling to understand why someone would turn to drugs but then I remember I locked myself in my room and turned to gaming. Something healthier, but at the same time it kind of wasn't.
At the moment both our heads are all over the place, and I think we need space. Although only one of us can actually get the space needed.
The reason I won't talk on the phone when Prim tells me to is because I think you don't want to talk to me. I don't know how to start a conversation. I want to talk, I want to try and sort things out. Not so we're constantly under each others feet as I don't think either of us want that. And I honestly think we're better off alone till we've sorted ourselves out.
Hannah isn't safe guarding. I am.
No one else is safe guarding Primrose but me. But I don't even know if that's a good idea at the moment. I'm struggling everyday. Waking up is a nightmare. Staying awake more so.
I'm struggling to do anything.
We're lucky I'm even able to get myself to sort something out for meals. 1 due to motivation to get out of bed let alone do the dishes, 2 cause trying to make myself feel better I over spent leaving us with even less money cause I'm a total dick.
That's not cause of you. That's cause of whatever is going on in my subconscious.
I think it maybe something triggered when you've been trying to talk to me about what happened, but I'm not entirely sure. But I know when you've explained stuff about the insident and other things, something has triggered something.
I want to be with you. I wanted to try and talk. But you said it's definitely over, and this isn't me trying to get you to change your mind. I'm fully aware when your minds made up. It's made up. And I wouldn't be surprised if you started talking to someone else.
Considering it's never taken anyone else more then 24hrs to move on (not saying your like them, just saying I wouldn't blame you).
But yeah, this is where my head is right now. Constant battle with myself. Constantly playing over things in my head, hearing every negative word ever said by anyone.
I'm not after sympathy, I don't need it.
I just want you to know I love you. Prim loves you. You have so many people around you who love and care about you, and yes you maybe struggling with this addiction, and it is going to be tempting to give in. It's going to get worse before it gets better. That's with the addiction and the mental help that's needed. But you have so many people who are there for you to talk to. Your not alone.
