Never Good Enough

We are in my bedroom, I'm standing in front of my mirror, examining my body in my newly bought blue bikini. I hate these curves, I hate my flabby stomach. I slap my thighs, and look in disgust as they jiggle.

Ana looks at me from across the room and says dearly "I love you Lis, all I want is the best for you! Work hard and loose that fat! You can do it if you really try!" I am a little shocked by her remark. Its the first time in a while that Ana has actually shown any affection towards me.

"It's hard." I reply. "You don't know what its like to have to live in my home, with my mom. Shes started to monitor my eating as well".

Ana looks down at me, hints of anger show on her face. " Well, try harder! Do you really want to look great in the bikini you're bound to wear when you go off on the class trip next month?! Or do you want to look like the horrible fat bitch you are now? I keep telling you every fucking day to work out, and eat less. But you don't, you're just going to stay a fucking hippo!" I look up at her, tears lining my eyes. "You're right" I mutter.

All the girls in my class wear bikinis, but this is the first pair I have bought in years. I never liked the way bikinis showed so much of my body, and I liked them even less now that I was the size of an elephant. I look in dismay at the mirror. I see fat lining everywhere. My thighs are way too big, making the bikini look miniature. My stomach is so flabby. I stretch my arms up. I can't even see my rib cage.

I go over to my bed and pick up the teen magazine I had been reading. The perfect models with their perfect bodies smile at me through the pages. It's all I can wish for, to have a body like theirs. I try and imagine myself with a perfect thin body, walking along the beach, as cute guys comment on how thin and beautiful I am. Suddenly it all becomes too much for me.

I quickly get changed out of my bikini and put on some baggy pants and a tee. I'm headed for the gym.