Jokes and Stuff

'Mature' Jokes; Part 1:

 Lie Detecting Robot:

One day this guy gets a robot that can tell when you're lying. When you lie, the robot slaps you. He decides to test it out at th dinner table that night...

Father: "So son, what were you doing all day?"

Son: "Oh, you know, just sitting at home."

Robot: *slaps the son*

Son: "Okay, fine, I went to a friend's house."

Father: "What did you do there?"

Son: "Oh, you know, just homework."

Robot: *slaps the son*

Son: "Okay okay, we  were watching Netflix."

Father: "I did that when I was young, I got bad grades, you should really do your homework instead."

Mother: *laughs* "Well he is your son."

Robot: *slaps the mother*

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So Little Mary wasn't the brightest girl in Sunday School, she often slept through her lessons. Luckily, Little Johnny had plans...

Teacher: "Mary, who created all the universe and life?"

Johnny: *takes a pin and sticks it in Mary's rear-end*

Mary: "My God Almighty!"

Teacher: "Very good."

Mary: *falls back asleep*

--A while later...--

Johnny: *takes a pin and sticks it in Mary's rear-end again*

Mary: "Jesus Christ!"

Teacher: "Very well."

Mary: *falls back asleep*

--Another While Later...--

Teacher: "Mary, what did Eve say to Adam after they had their 23rd child?"

Johnny: *takes a pin and sticks it in Mary's rear-end again*

Mary: "If you stick that f**king thing in me one more time I'm going to break it in half and shove it up your butt!"

Teacher: "Well that's one way to put it..."

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Little Johnny's friend Ivan likes to find loopholes in some things...

Ivan: "Hey Johnny, did you know you can get whatever you want if you just tell people you know their secret, even if you don't!"

Little Johnny went home that night and wanted to test this out...

Johnny: "Father, I know your secret!"

Father: "I'll give you $10 if you don't tell your mother!" *hands Johnny $10*

Johnny: *walks up to his mother* "Mother, mother I know your secret!"

Mother: "I'll give you $15 if you don't tell your father!" *hands Johnny $15*

Now Johnny, quite pleased with himself, wanted to test it out on someone other than family, so he walked up to the mailman...

Johnny: "Mailman I know your secret!"

Mailman: *opens arms for a hug* "Oh! Come, give your father a hug!"

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-No description, self-explanitory-

Wife: "Honey, the toilet's broken, can you fix it?"

Husband: "What do I look like, a plubmer?"

-3 days later-

Wife: "Honey there's a leak in the roof, can you fix it?"

Husband: "What do I look like, a handy man?"

-The next day, the husband comes home to see the toilet, and the roof fixed-

Husband: "Oh you fixed the roof and the toilet?"

Wife: "No, I called the handy man and the plumber and they said they would fix them if I either slept with them, or baked them a cake."

Husband: "Oh, what kind of cake did you bake?"

Wife: *laughs* "What do I look like, Betty Crocker?"

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WOO! :D Hope you enjoyed the first part!! <3 I might make more, message me your jokes if you have any!! ~Angel

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