Writing Journal

Alone

• April 7, 2015

*Listen to The Spill Canvas while reading. I recommend Battles
*Not for attention, sorry I don't have people I can talk to about this stuff.

The human skin can be hard to live in,
that's why most of us
tear it open
-a.r.g.

I can't stand any of anything anymore. I'm clean, don't worry. I'm just being surrounded by constant triggers. I have no one to blame but myself. The stress and anxiety is from myself. I hurt everyone around me. I'm not okay. I don't want anyone to know though. I hate bringing attention to myself. I'd rather blend in. I may not post this simply because I don't want anyone to see it. I don't want help, I want everyone to leave me be. Their help makes me feel helpless. I know they're trying to make me feel better, but I always feel so attacked. "What is that on your arm?!" "You're such an idiot, you have everything going for you!" "I demand you to stop." If you want to make someone stop, approach them with caution. Not everyone wants people to know. I feel like it is a better idea for me to hide my flaws. I don't like being the inferior friend. Below everyone else. I am not good as her because I hurt myself.

Can anybody hear me?
Or am I just talking to myself?

I hate talking about my feelings, simply put. I have reasons why:
1.) Nobody actually cares.
2.) I'm probably overreacting.
3.) They'll use it against me.
4.) Others have it worse.
5.) They won't understand.
Those aren't all the reasons, but they're the first five I thought of. Nobody cares about me or anything I say. All my words are a waste of breath. The vibrations enter the atmosphere and disappear an inch from everyone's ear.

-How are you?
-Fine, just exhausted.

Tired. Exhausted. Empty. Sad. Fine.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I have no answers. I want to help myself but I'm at a loss as to how. I don't feel like myself anymore. My finger prints aren't my own anymore. I am not me. I am a foreign soul planted inside a shell. I do not belong.

Do you ever feel like people just forget you exist?

Yeah. It's a point that's proven again and again that people don't care about me. It's a hard topic but it's a truth. I'm always looking for someone. No one looks for me. No one wants me. It's easy to connect the dots.
1.) No first texts.
2.) No one running to me for help.
3.) Everyone has someone better.
4.) No one wants to hang.
5.) When we hang, they look miserable and forced.
I hate who I am and it sucks when others also hate who I am. People I know always tell me I try too hard. Maybe it's true, but I just want friends. I have no one.
Sometimes people will just not talk to me for days on end. I guess it's not intentional, but it hurts to know that I don't cross their mind even once. I just want someone to care about me.

*Again, please don't take this as attention seeking. I just need a way to vent and for whatever reason, posting it for everyone to read makes me feel less alone.