HIRAYA MANAWARI

Hiraya

Ipapagpatuloy mo pa ba ang nararamdaman mo kahit na alam mong mali?

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"Mom, Dad, kuya?! Help..me it hurts.. kuya, help.. where are you.. ang sakit." I cried, my parents weren't here, my older brother left me alone.. and papa is gone.

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"Anong nangyari sa akin..? Sino ba talaga ako?" Tanong ko sa sarili habang nakatingin sa salamin hawak ang aking mukha. Weird, 15 years of existence pero ang goal ko parin ay amg makilala ang sarili ko.

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Gusto kong maramdaman ang pakiramdam ng may sariling pamilya.. dahil limot ko na ang pakiramdam ng ganon.

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Dumating siya sa buhay ko. Ngunit hanggang doon lang ba ang aking nararamdaman?

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I had the chance to live normally, pero ang daming hamon ng buhay sa akin.

Puwede ba akong maging masaya? Even for once.

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All I thought is I'll be alone on my whole life, pero dumating siya. It was wrong, very wrong. We can't be together, he's too difficult to reach. Ano nga ba ako? I'm just a sick peasant who wants money and school.

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He was the first guy who sang Happy birthday to me. Ang daming memorya na nabasura sa isipan ko pero.. pinalitan niya iyon ng bago.

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Pag-ibig, ano nga ba iyon? Ang nalalaman ko lamang tungkol doon ay.. isang hamon sa buhay.

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"We used to run around our house, on your 8th birthday I gave you a golden retriever." My so called older brother said, totoo ba ang sinasabi niya? "You know, I left sweden when I found out that you're sick and our parents died.. Trying to find a good doctor for you." His last words were terrifying but he said it on a sad manipulative tone.

Kasalanan ko nga talaga.

***

I surrendered myself to him, pinakasalan ko siya kahit alam ko'ng makakasama sa amin iyon.

Napaka-makasarili ko, hindi ko naisip ang iba o kung ano mang manyayari dahil sa kagustuhan ko..nakakapagod na.

***

Sa loob ng banyo, lagi akong umiiyak. Kasi minsan, hindi ko na kaya.

Sobrang gaan ng pakiramdam ko pero dahil doon, masakit.

Iisipin mo nalang minsan kung saan na patungo ang buhay mo.

***

It was my fault.

Kasalanan ko ang lahat.

I've sin, sobrang kapal naman ng mukha ko kung magagawa ko pang humiling sa Diyos..

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I can't just forgive myself dahil walang nagpatawad sa akin. It's my fault.. kung hindi lang ako isinugod noon sa ospital sana walang gulo, sana buhay pa sila Mom,sana di kami nagkahiwalay ni Happy.. higit sa lahat, hindi ko magagawang iwinan ang asawa ko.

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Ang sakit.. hanggang kailan ko ito dadalhin?

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Isa Lang naman ang gusto ko, ang maging masaya siya kahit na wala na ako.. pero ngayon pa lang ayaw ko siyang iwanan.

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I accepted the fact that I will not able to speak and walk again, but that night.. he taught me how to dance and for the first time after months of not speaking.. "Salamat, asawa ko.." i finally spoke again, it was a whisper.

He's my prayer.

***

I couldn't breathe, I feel like sleeping. I was alone on our room, waiting for him to get his final results from the licensure exam.

Even on my last day on earth, I was all alone.. waiting for him.

Clarence, please umuwi ka na.

I took a deep breath trying to wipe my tears, the mask makes it heavier to breath. I took the pen on the table beside the bed and started writing my apologies to the person I loved the most.

Patawad, mahal ko. Hihintayin kita sa lugar na iyon, palagi.

I closed my eyes slowly, the tears were running dryly from the corner of my eyes, leaves were falling down from their places, as my ginger brown hair danced along with the wind.

From: Mom

Happy 15th birthay, Alex. Busy ako ngayon, I'm sorry. Pinadala ko na yung gift ko, baka next week mo pa mareceive.

I closed my phone and stared at the garden. Hindi pa ako nasanay sa ganito, ten years ago she left to work.. without telling me. I remembered that I was sleeping when she left.

Everybody moved on, but I stayed here because I told you I'll always wait at the same place.

I'm still here.

I was going out from the garden since I wanted to go home, I don't even know kung bakit ako nandito sa lugar na ito. I'm from Flores high! sadyang walang pasok ngayon sa school dahil sa disinfection day.

"Pakopya naman, tol! Nakalimutan ko magreview!"

"Walwal pa, it's your fault ain't mine, dude."

Pero nung paalis na ako, may nakabunggo ako, causing my books to fall.

The guy in leather jacket bent over to get it, "Thank you." I said, he was just staring at me.

He has a little messy hair, tall, has a stoic face, smells like vanila juice from vape.

He was familiar.. I knew him.

"Nico.." I muttered, his eyes widened.

'Dominic Cormac' it was his first two names.

He looked at my ID, and he looks shocked. "Red hed?" He smirks.

The right time came.. or maybe not? I smiled a little. Life is so Foolish.