Hello again. This is getting embarrassing already... I thought I was feeling too good to keep a diary but here I am again.
I've been thinking that I never really got better, that I'm actually just... Disguising my problems in a less terrible looking way. Like instead of using a bunch of drugs and getting drunk in a not-so-cool street until 4AM I'm now falling in love with strangers on the internet.
I've always been a hopeless romantic, easy to fall for someone but stopping to think I noticed that lately I've been doing this a lot. With anyone that shows a little interest in me. Thing is that this shit never lasts. It's always empty "love" that will last a month or so. I'm getting tired of this. Tired of people coming and going and the false hope I give myself that we're madly in love and that's enough.
Every time it (surprisingly) ends I just feel... Hollow. It's hard to even detect that but I guess I compulsively fall in love with people just to get a bit of the feeling. The love hormones high and shit.
Talking about high, I'm willing to ruin my two year long sobriety just to feel something. I'm gonna push people I'm romantically interested away because I don't want them to see me in my drug phase again. In the past it was fuckes up, I lost people I loved. I can't lose what's already gone.
Ps.: Pandemic made my life so much easier because I signed up for a gay hookup app and got a dealer in less than a hour. I love the internet.
