Desiderium

The beginning...

DESIDERIUM

Sadness gives depth. Happiness gives height. Sadness gives roots. Happiness gives branches. Happiness is like a tree going into the sky, and sadness is like the roots going down into the womb of the earth. Both are needed, and the higher a tree goes, the deeper it goes, simultaneously. The bigger the tree, the bigger will be its roots. In fact, it is always in proportion. Thats its balance. ~Osho

 

Dear Diary,

Youre probably wondering why how I ended up with desiderium as this entry's title. I will tell you why. I am feeling lost and broken after losing someone I love- d whom I thought loved me just the same as you shall read my story and perhaps decide for yourself whether I am just a petty woman or whether you would decide to sympathize with me and justify my need to write this piece of work.

Definition: an ardent desire or longing; especially: a feeling of loss or grief for something lost

Most of us are familiar with the word desire, which, in addition to a number of other things, can mean something desired. And some of us are familiar with this words less-common cousin, desideratum, which means something desired as essential (the plural of this word is desiderata). Yet far too few of us are familiar with what is perhaps the least-known member of this particular family, the word desiderium. All of these words come from the Latin desiderare (meaning to long for), yet only desiderium carries the meaning of having feelings for something that we no longer have, and wish very much that we did.

I have just shared with you how I came across the word. When I read it and what it meant for the first time something moved within me because thats exactly how I felt. You might also wonder why I am writing this right now but using past tense, thats because you will read it long after now and also because this is a feeling I dont want to be feeling now so Im making it a past memory.

  Chapter One

Jenny! This sulking has got to stop seriously, I love you but we cant go on like this. Im tired. It has been over a year already and you keep on playing those heartbreak songs loudly and you hardly seem to think or do anything else, I have always supported you but I cant do this anymore!

My best friend was shouting right in front of me whilst on the verge of crying. She had always been the cheerful one and I had never heard her raised voice till that very moment. I just looked up at her and I started crying. In between sobs I was saying you just dont understand, I loved Him! I loved him okay and now he is gone. The word gone came out almost as a rasp and I sobbed more. Loud bursts. Brielle sat down beside me and we embraced and cried for a good while and she kept whispering I know... I know shhhhhhh

We were like that for what felt like an eternity and then we looked at each others faces and saw the messes we were. You wont believe this but we burst out laughing. We laughed so hard with other salty cheeks and that was the last time we spoke about him ever and I had a renewed energy to go on

Im forever grateful to Brielle for making me realize there was much more to life than crying about what was.

 

Three months later

My life felt somewhat whole again but every time I scrolled through my feed on Facebook or Instagram I would get irritated. Seeing couples being goofy with each other or just seeing lovers happy and so smitten with each other. I did not exactly picture my life that way but I still could not help the sinking feeling I had in my gut whenever I realized I had everything else in life just not somebody to love. I realized I could easily love someone but that is not what I wanted, I wanted to feel loved but I just didnt think there was anybody who would understand what that meant to me so I steered clear of social situations and never tolerated guys however much in love they claimed to be with me.