What If

There comes some lone moments in everyone’s life, which makes us walk down the memory lane, re-live through the memories. Memories, which cannot be ever erased, which becomes a part of our own self or as well framed by Haruki Murakami,

“There is no way I can just erase those memories. That would be the same as erasing my own self”.

Being born to working parents is mostly sad for a toddler. But, in my case the sadness to joy ran parallel. My fun-loving grandpa would never let me feel sad or void, during my parent’s absence. I used to wake up every morning excited for the day I would spend with my grandparents, rolling, jumping, playing and laughing with them. People might call me biased, yet, my grandpa was, is and will always be the most special person that I will ever have in my life. 

Maybe God was jealous of how angelic my grandpa was, and felt the need for his presence in Heaven, and so He summoned him to heaven. So, when I was just five, my grandpa left me alone here on Earth, keeping all our adventures incomplete. 

Now, at times, I do wonder, what if there's a miracle, just like in movies, what if I can bring back Grandpa to our favourite place!

Our all-time favourite place was the backyard of our house, on the green grass. We used to have most of our conversations there. If someday we meet again in the backyard, can we watch the sunsets and count stars like the old days? I would jump into his arms just like in the old days. And ask, “Did you see me from above? “ “Did you see that I was brave and stood by my parents like you said? “ “Did you feel proud of me when I fought through the toughest days? “ “Did you miss me?” And then lay down on your lap, while listening to your stories, just like those days. 

We both had saved three puppies after their mother passed away giving them birth. We kept them in carton boxes in our lawn and every day we brought them food. Never did I ever imagine that you too would leave me two months after that. If I meet him, I would ask him if he met the puppies’ mother in heaven and said that I took care of her children.” 

I would hug him tightly this time, if I met him and never let him go again. What if that is why he is not coming back to see me! 

I know a Big-Man up there, and He is taking good care of my grandpa.

My grandpa used to call me a Rock-star and say, “My Rock-star is brave enough to fight through it. She would never give up!” I promised him that I would never give up fighting, but it’s also true that I will also never be able to give up missing you.

Ah! Memories you see. They should be called “Mostly-EMORIES”, they are all string attached with trucks of emotions that are way too hard to forget or as quoted aptly by Harlan Coben,

“Memories, you see, hurt. The good ones most of all”