envision.

when it begins.

⚠️look in description for TW⚠️

i truly love you.
i love your eyes,
the way they glisten in the sun.
i love your smile,
the way it opposes my frown and cannot be undone.
i love the way you look at the stars,
like you're counting them one by one.
you my dear,
are the one.

the way you look at me,
at the way you look at her,
are two entirely different scenes.
you see warmth and comfort in her eyes,
but you just see blue in mine.
you see a red sunset of colour in her hair,
but you just see brown in mine.
you see happiness and love in her smile,
but you only see the tongue to bite in mine.
before you looked at her like that,
it was just you and me,
no her in line.

10 months.
you were amazing for 10 months.
i was starting to imagine that future with kids and marriage,
but you couldn't hold back,
could you?
you couldn't resist that short skirt.
the way it'd hug my waist and lifted up in the back.
you couldn't resist my little gasps,
the ones searching for air.
the gasps coming from lungs drowning in fear.
you couldn't resist my freshly shaved body,
soft and smooth.
my neck just looked so perfect,
didn't it?
the way your hand could fit around and i couldn't do anything.
you just could not hold back.

my mind is going to explode with all the thoughts
of what we could've been.

sometimes i catch myself in a haze.
stuck on the ceiling with the same thoughts.
thoughts that circle for hours.
i can't wait to tell you what's going on.
but then i realize,
you left.
and i lost my best friend.

for me,
loving was always so easy.
so why is it so hard to love you?

it's not you,
its me.

i cant stand the judgemental looks they give me.
nor the pity in their eyes.
just please,
stop worrying about me.

most people don't know what it feels like to feel alone.
they say they feel alone,
but really they don't know that feeling.
and being alone and feeling alone are two utterly different things.

missing you usually comes in showers,
those light ones that hit the leaves,
but never pull them down.
tonight is a thunderstorm.

i've written tons of notes and letters,
to you only.
but you wouldn't have a clue.
i still want you more than you think.
my heart isn't messed up by the thought of you,
but by the memories of you.
your face.
your touch.
your smile.
oh god that smile.
the one i could stare at night and day.
just a thought or a picture of you makes me light up instantly.
you.

i mean yeah,
sometimes i break down in tears next to a toilet.
and yeah,
sometimes my eyelids become heavy and i fall to the ground.
sometimes i look at a meal and my mind says no.
sometimes i just shake.
but sometimes,
i see him eat and smile.
he's living well.
sometimes i just feel happy for him,
other times i'm jealous.

i was waiting for your snap.
i was at the end of my bed.
waiting,
and waiting.
you didn't care.
you didn't want to speak to me.
you were bored of me.
you didn't love me anymore.
*buzz*
« i'm sorry love, my phone died. »
never mind.

when an eating disorder first takes over,
people never worry.
they congratulate on your new body,
your slimmed down waist,
the way your pinky to thumb,
fits around your wrist.
until a glass of water,
or some winter mint gum,
tastes like dinner.
and the thought of eating breakfast,
never occurs.
but being skinny is worth it.
right?

only.
one.
more.
i said.
my voice crumbling as i speak,
lines everywhere appear,
filling with that red relief.

those words,
they slipped out of my mouth.
just like my last meal.
like the one before,
and before that.
i try told hold it down.
but the guilt builds too strong.
and the pressure to be perfect,
to be desired,
had become enfinatly higher.
so i let it slip out,
all of it.

you told me i eat too much.
i think i should skip supper tonight
you told me my thoughts squeezed out from the holes in my jeans.
i wont stop working out until i am sick.
you showed me my rolls when i sat down.
i will not eat for three days.
i went down three pant sizes.
new bones are showing.
my hair is coming out in chunks.
im always so cold.
i could not stand without falling.
but hey,
you think i'm pretty now.