Letters To Keep

DAY 1: End This Lifetime

Every time I wake up, I feel tired and numb. It feels as if the whole world is against me.

Every time I look at the mirror, I feel like I want to throw up, disgusted of myself.

I feel like I'm stuck in a room with no doors, no windows, no light.

I need doors, I need windows, I need light.

I want to escape, so bad.

I do my best in school, I have high grades. I always try to maintain them.

My weekends turn into schoolwork days and I have so little time to myself.

You ask why I always sleep after class. This is because I feel so tired from presentations and projects and presentations after projects that I couldn't even rest.

I've been pressured way too much that I cry at every low score I get on my activities.

I'm tired and I want to go to sleep, and never wake up.

I meet people. We converse and it turns out ok.

Not until my low self esteem kicks in and I suddenly feel disgusted of myself.

I try to avoid you to 'fix' myself when I'm suddenly forced to meet up with you.

My parents, I love my parents, but sometimes you make me feel like I'm the bad person.

You make me feel as if I'm not good enough, as if I'm not doing good enough.

I have to endure every insult you say to me.

"You're weak" "It's just high school, what if you're in college already?" "You're too fat" "You have too many pimples, your face looks dirty"

Today has been another argument, ending up with me trying to keep a façade while you comment on my choices of not attending these meetups with other people.

You say that I'm not trying enough to socialize when I know these people well enough that they make me feel worthless.

You never once asked if I was okay with talking to them, or bonding with them.

All you ever do is comment and comment.

Did you ask if I was okay when I was studying day and nights for my exams?

God knows how I don't want to blame you for everything because I love you.

But it saddens me knowing that out of all the people I know, you make me feel worthless the most.

I want to be free of these negative emotions.

I want to feel at ease and to find peace.

It's another chilly night, and I'm alone, with no one to console me, or to listen to my pleas.

I don't know if I can continue trying to stop myself from ending this lifetime.