The Seeds of Love

Los Angeles. The City of Angels.

Roland walked along the deserted beach, burying his bare feet deep in the soft, fine, hot sand, feeling dizzy from the warm, sweet air and fascinated by the bright sunny colours of the surrounding nature, the views of magnificent beaches and sailing boats of some desperate fishermen, the cries of crazy gulls. Here was everything that Roland missed so much in his native, somewhat harsh, gray and prim England. He has always been attracted to this magnificent city, starting with the very first trip in 1983. Together with HIM. Every time they returned here, they tried to retire at least for a couple of hours on some such deserted beach to enjoy each other's company in a heavenly place. There was something magical here, something that could not be expressed in words. The special atmosphere of the beaches of the Pacific Ocean fascinated and made them think about the eternal. Roland remembered how they could just lie on the sand for two hours in silence, hugging each other, in the shade of such rare stone bays. HE always tried to find a beach with a secluded shady place so that Roland would not get burned in the sun. HE always took care of him.

Roland remembered how then, in 1983, HE managed to lose his wedding ring on the first day of filming "Pale Shelter", and in the evening Roland bought HIM a new, special ring. And then he put it on HIS finger. Here. On this very beach. As a sign of their unbreakable, at that time, love. Lynne was furious after that, she was ready to kill HIM for such irresponsibility, and HE had to dodge and lie about the fact that HE immediately bought a new ring so that fans could see that HE was married. And he even hid his hand without a ring on the first day of filming, so that not a single provocative frame would get into the future video. Lynne swallowed this lie like bait for a fish, and, fortunately, calmed down.

They kept it a secret until they parted.

Roland remembered the heartbreaking moment when, in a rage, HE threw this ring into the dark waters of the Thames after another terrible fight, spitting out poisonous words about how HE hated him. Roland wanted to throw himself into the water to find this ring, even at the cost of his own life, but common sense prevented him from doing so. The next day, Roland came to the same place to throw into the water his heart-shaped earrings that HE had bought for him in Cyprus a long time ago, thereby finally burying their crazy, but forbidden love. Even now, almost 10 years after that moment, tears were blurring the eyes of Roland.

How could he have ruined everything like this? What was he thinking then? What the hell did he need? Why, then, did he blame HIM for everything? Why didn't he listen to HIM when HE asked him to stop and exhale after a crazy race called the touring? And most importantly...How could he exchange HIM for....

God, what an idiot he was... Seven years without HIM...seven fucking years, and he think that it was seventy. Why did he come here, for what? Finish off the torn soul to the end? Roland exhaled with a bitter sob. To stir up old memories? To get nostalgic? Who the hell is he kidding?

Whenever Roland was in the States - in New York or, as now, in Los Angeles-he always looked around in the ghostly hope of catching a glimpse of HIM. By chance, in a crowd of people, on the other side of the street, a few miles away-it doesn't matter. Just to look, to meet the eyes... And then maybe... Oh, no, all these are empty dreams and hopes. HE would just pretended not to notice Roland and disappeared into the distance. Again. Forever.

Lord, God only knows how Roland suffered when HE left England. Left him alone. Of course, Roland was brave, telling everyone that now is the right time for his solo work and for his family. But no one knew how close the razor sometimes came to the veins on his arm when he took a bath in the long endless evenings, and how many times a handful of pills waited in the wings, burning a hole in his palm. No one knows and no one will ever know. Roland was able to survive this. And now he's here again.