Ambience and Agowilt || Xiaodery ✔

(tres)

🔅Hendery🔅

I hated myself some days. The problem wasn't my body or my personality. It rather was my mind that made me feel so sick sometimes. I've always told myself that it wasn't my fault that I felt like this. But then, when I least expected it, my mind betrayed me and made me think I deserved feeling like this. Now you might be wondering what I was feeling to, you know, feel like this. That's not easy.

When I woke up, I could already foresee if something was 'going to happen to me'. Let's say my alarm woke me up at nine, so that I wasn't too late for my lectures. Mostly, I started off by going to the bathroom, did my usual morning routine and after that I made myself a decent breakfast. At half past nine, Xiaojun would stand in front of my flat to join my walk to university. Like this, everything sounds pretty normal, right? But you don't know, what my brain did in the mean time.

So before I pushed my blanket off my body, I often saw myself getting bitten as soon as I pulled the fabric of my skin. Therefore, I kept the blanket around my shoulders as long as needed, till my mind stopped playing the image of me getting bitten. Getting dressed was much more difficult like that and brushing my hair almost impossible. On good days, I was able to at least make myself some toast with jam or a bowl of cereal, but those days had been lessening lately.

Instead of satisfying my hunger, I often tended to just skip breakfast to avoid any upcoming vision that might've occurred. Because I'd rather go to school hungry than see myself throwing up my breakfast even before having it touched. A sore body and especially an itchy throat was something I had to deal with all the time. Just to clarify, I didn't hate my appearance, I liked food and wasn't scared of it, but I was terrified that the outcome was unbearable.

The day I had Sicheng coming to pick me up, I already had to fight my own thoughts while still laying in my comfortable bed. After I was finally able to drag myself out of bed, I only threw on some cozy clothing and made my way out of my housing real quick. There's been playing an image of me choking on my toothbrush since I'd woken up and my consciousness replied with the typical 'Let's avoid everything'-strategy.

When Dejun joined me, we silently walked next to each other till the campus came in sight. I almost thought he forgot I was walking with him, when he turned abruptly and looked me deeply in the eyes. "You seem very out of reality today. Is everything okay?", he asked, very careful with his choice of words. I'd never been good at hiding what I felt like. So I simply shook my head and snuck my arms around him.

His warmth seemed to be the most reassuring thing I've met that day. "My mind just...", I mumbled , "It drives me insane. I couldn't even get up on time today." Instead of scolding me or making useless  suggestions, he stayed silent. Then I could feel how his warm hand stroked my uncombed hair, how he struggled to find the right words and how his slow heartbeat gradually increased with every minute passing by.

I knew he was scared, but I was too. Only I could recite how my brain tried to control my actions. Only I could ask for help when needed. There was nobody who could watch my thoughts and help me sorting them out. Nobody to take away that burden of constant fear. Dejun was just as helpless as I was. "Tell me, when you need anything or when being here is to much for you, will you?" His soft gaze was full of concern. I had to promise him, there was no way to hide.

We met Yangyang on the ground floor. He was renting about Ten throwing him out of bed and shooing him to university without the chance to cuddle their cat even once. God, I wish I had those problems. Not that being thrown out of bed was nice, I just rather wanted to be thrown out of bed than having a constantly racing mind.

Our first lecturer was my favourite one. He made me feel safe in his lesson, like I had nothing to worry about. Normally, he would start off by greeting us and then proceeded with his lesson plans. Today was a little different, because Yangyang had to explain to him how awful his morning would have been the day before if he had gone to university. Unfortunately, Professor Moon was friends with his roommate.

Long story short, our youngster had to do a presentation that was surprisingly good. Even Mr. Moon seemed to be impressed. "See, told ya. I slayed that!" His confidence was something I've always admired, he presented himself so carefree. It was almost like, as soon as he stepped out of his comfort zone, all the lights would shine on him and only him. He was like an actor then, nothing could distract him.

My friends were very proud of him, didn't notice how my thoughts drifted away and I kept staring into nowhere. Like I robot, my body moved on it's own while following the others to the cafeteria. Even in there, I didn't really feel present in the room. It felt like my body was there, but my mind elsewhere. Yangyang and Dejun kept on chatting with each other, I couldn't understand anything.

There was this image playing in my mind. This horrible image. I saw myself getting sick because of what I was eating. I felt my stomach twist. Then I suddenly stated to feel lightheaded. Xiaojun looked at me, concerned I suppose. I wasn't sure, my brain couldn't comprehend that well in that moment. He asked me if i wanted something too, I declined for obvious reasons.

I knew he only ever wanted to keep me save, but he was helpless. What could he do? Other than hugging me and reassuring me that everything's going to be fine, there was nothing he could do for me. Instead of convincing me to stay at university, he requested to call Sicheng to pick me up. I did call him and he was nice enough to say 'yes' to picking me up immediately.

What happened in between the call and the drive to his housing was all a blur. The first clear thought occurred me when I was laying on his couch, covered with a fuzzy, red blanked. Sicheng was sitting next to me and stared at me with worry coating his facial expression. "How are you feeling right now?" His voice was sweet and comforting. I shook my head and let out a sigh. "Better, but not good."

My body was itching, it hurt. Slowly, the other pulled me onto his side and gave me the body pressure I needed to calm down. Thoughts were racing, tears were falling, limbs were shaking. I didn't know when I stopped crying, but I immediately felt all the energy leaving me. Darkness found its way into my mind and filled it out. Finally, I thought nothing, felt nothing and did nothing.

My eyes lids were heavy. I let the sleep win over my body. I just hoped I could sleep long enough.