My Pain

Sitting here in this room..

No one is near me..

Just me and my thoughts.

Why am i still here?

Why am i still alive?

Who cares if i don't live for another day?

Everyone treats me horribly.

So why don't i end my suffering?

Why haven't i put a knife or razor to my wrists?

No one likes me.

So why do i bother trying to please everyone.

No matter what i do..

I never do anything right.

My parents hate me..

My brothers hate me..

I hate me...

I'm told that i'm unwanted everyday..

I'm reminded everyday of my flaws..

My self esteem was fried years ago.

I have no self respect.

I have no joy.

I go to school wishing for it to be my escape from home..

But it's worse there..

I go to school and pray to go back home..

I go home and pray to go back to school..

My life is full of never ending fear..

I cry every night hoping to not have to deal with the next day.

My tears drown me..

I can never go a day without a tear escaping my eyes..

As i grow..I desire being away..

Away from home.

Away from school.

Away from my family.

Away from my "friends".

Away from the pain.

But sometimes..pain..is my only escape.

I shouldn't have to live like this.

I starve myself.

I scratch my wrist..

I'm careful not to leave scars though.

I pull my hair.

All of these things hurt..

But not one of them hurts as much as being hurt by someone you love.

I wish upon stars.

I make wishes at 11:11.

I wish for my life to be happier.

For me not to cry.

For me not to care for what i hear.

For the pain to disapear.

For me to be..happy.

My wishes don't come true..

No matter how many times i wish..

None of my wishes will come true.

No one can take my pain away.

Now i just sit here making another wish..

Awaiting disapointment.

As I lay here and cry tonight..

I think only of the fear that awaits me tomarrow..

I cry softly..

To hide my feelings..

No one knows i cry..

Only me.

Crying numbs the pain..

But it doesn't take the pain away.

My heart breaks with every tear..

The tears are never ending..

My life is filled with heart break..

Tears..

Fear..

But never joy and love.

Why can't i have joy and love in my life?

What did I do to deserve this pain?

My pain won't end..

If my pain won't end then why do i still exsist?

I have no strength anymore..

Feelings numb..

Strength gone..

Fear stays..

Pain Stays..

Tears escape..

Joy never appears..

Love is non-existint..

I'm still here..

No matter how hard it is to live..

I refuse to give up..

I wipe my tears..

Clear my thoughts..

I live my life..

No matter how much fear i face in the next day..

I don't give into fear..

I use the little strength i have left..

And..

I live..

With nothing but a fake smile..

and Black converse.