Me My Life & Eye

                                                                                          Chapter 1.

Here we start the story of my life. My name is William James and im 31 years old... today I started my journey with the pleasures of eating some tidal wave magic mushrooms & smoking a shit-ton of marijuana. I have had no sleep in 2 days. I have been eating mushrooms on and off all week with my boyfriend so Im fucked up beyond recognition... This has been a really messed up week... I'm going to try and tell the story of my life, and all the haunting aspects of my past. I experienced this night as I took a deep look inside my soul to really find myself and who I really am. I realized that the life I have is shit and I seem to have no control over it. I ask myself, who am I? What's my purpose, and most of all, why do I feel alone. It all began years ago when I was just a little boy, still in pampers, when all of a sudden, my sister Shelby, passed peacefully in her sleep. She died of a disorder called, Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, (SIDS) or sometimes known as, (Crib Death). Now lets talk about my grandma. My grandma told me when I was about 7, that the reason your sister is dead, is because you crawled into her crib and you sat right on her face, you always were a little bastard she would say. Either my grandma is a very sick woman, or, she knows something that I don't know. I am not afraid to say that my family is very corrupt and sick. I was too young to remember, however I do get flashbacks of crawling into my sisters crib. Even to this day i'm haunted by the memories of not knowing what really happened. Now lets take you back to where it all began. At about age 4/almost 5, sitting on the couch, watching cartoons, when my mom suddenly collapsed. She tried to kill herself by overdosing on pills, and cutting herself. Lisa happened to come over at the time and noticed my mom was slurring her words, so she called the ambulance. They took her to the hospital and I cried because my mama was just taken away. My poor mama was only heart-broken from losing her daughter and she was only trying to forget the pain that she suffered. It wasn't easy having a sick mama and being so damn young, I really, truly, had a sad life as a kid. Things got rough for me and I eventually started getting therapy as a child. I developed some behavior issues and was eventually diagnosed with, (tourettes syndrome), (obsessive compulsive disorder), (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), (op-positional defiant disorder), (ODD), & bi-polar & then eventually medicated. Shortly after that I lived with Lisa vert. I thought Lisa was an amazing woman at the time, she always treated me well, but later on down the road, I found out that she tried to get me taken away from my mom. See, my mom had a drug problem but I was too young at the time to understand or know anything about any of this stuff. I was just a kid being a kid. During this time I went and lived with Lisa, but I think my brother was actually living with my grandparents at this time. Lisa tried to be the hero and got children's aid involved, I think.. cant quite remember everything, it was 25 years ago.. but she tried to get full custody. I do believe if I can remember correctly, that my dad made me go live with my grandparents after that incident. They were very strict, and very corrupt people & very old fashioned. 8 years old, up at 5 am, and work in the field. I would ever so jealously walk beside my brother, behind the trailer which was connected to a 4 wheeler. My cousin Amy was the only one allowed to drive it. Amy, Amy, Amy. Amy, this Amy that, fuck Amy, that spoiled little piss ant. Little bitch got anything she wanted. I remember a time when Amy got poison ivy, and grandma let her sit in the air conditioner, and eating pop'cicles, on a120 degree day. So my brother purposely got poison ivy, thinking he would also be allowed to sit in the air conditioner and have pop'cicles. Nope... just a big old. Nope. They still made us play outside, we never got to come inside to watch cartoons or anything fun. My grandparents were extremely boring and unfair. We got forced out in 100 degree weather everyday not to mention, kicked in the knees with steel toe boots by grandpa whenever I cried. I remember sitting there on the couch, never allowed to watch anything we wanted, no movies or nothing. Just sitting there watching the news with my grandma and grandpa, I really hated the news, of course I hated the news, I was only a 7 or 8 year old little boy, I wanted to watch kids shows of course, but the day I moved in with my grandma and grandpa, my childhood was over, as I knew it. Sitting here thinking back, I can remember clear as day that I was doing my Tics.. Yes I mentioned a little bit back that I had tourettes, which causes me to do vocal and facial tics. One tick I remember doing was a grunt with my throat, or how I would have to pronounce letters.. (Tss- Kta- Pm mp, I would make these noises uncontrollable, repetitively, over and over again on a loop, without even realizing I was doing it.. I even remember flapping my hand a lot, and used to get in trouble for doing all these tics, my grandma would say, what are you, some retard? She would say...It used to make me cry and get upset. She would make me put my pajamas on and make me go to bed early, dressed in my nighttime pamper, no matter what time it was in the day. Yes, I was a bet wetter and I got in trouble doing that too! Sometimes if I misbehaved, she would make me wear a diaper during the day, even if there was company over. She would call me a Big- Baby. This of course traumatized me and still sticks with me to this day. Its caused some...traumatic, age regression in me, making me want to relive my childhood. She used to say, stop pissing the bed, or I will hang them all out on poles for everybody to see. I'm not afraid to say that my family is extremely messed up in the head, especially my grandma. My grandpa was also strict & very racist, but not as corrupt as my grandma. So anyway, lets talk. about school for just a minute. I also had a lot of issues behaving in school, I couldn't read so my grandma sat with me for hours until I understood, we would read books, and then she would ask me what it was about, if I didn't remember, she would make me read it again! I would get suspended for really serious matters, talking out in class, telling teachers to fuck off, bringing phone cords to school and whipping kids who pissed me off with it. My grandma used to make me write lines, front and back, and then make me watch her, as she burnt it right in front of me. She would make me write really long annoying things such as, (I will never ever be bad at school or do anything bad ever ever again) over and over and over, and if it wasn't neat, or didn't stay within the lines, she would make me do another one. As I mentioned earlier, I was a 6-8 year old little boy, so this was a rough life for me, I felt like I was in a boot-camp or something. After 3 years of that hellish nightmare, my brother and I finally moved back in with my mom and dad, only to start a whole new nightmare. So my day would start around, 6 am ish, where I was basically forced to take strong sedative medication, "To calm my behavior" yeah, didn't help shit, all it made me do was , pass out in class, and cause me to piss myself. "Real cool that is"... Fucking doctors don't know shit. The truth is, my upbringing was a living hell and I have no other choice but to accept the life I had, at the time. Never really ever had a true friend, only kids who always teased me. I never really seemed to fit in, I was always, the weird kid in town, In-fact I still feel like that, rejected by society, looked down upon. No matter how hard I try to make something of myself, I just seem to fail in the end. I tried to make music, it never worked out. I tried to be a painter and it hasn't worked out either so far. Now im trying to be a writer, so god bless my soul. Didn't last long in the great. centennial central public school. I was teased, & run down by bully's, Eventually they forced me into a special ed class, because I kept falling asleep, due to the medication. I used to always get into fights and eventually my behavior lead to me getting kicked out and getting exported to a children's treatment facility, where I had to live for a period of a year, and years after that going from group home to group home. Whenever I misbehaved, they would hold me down on the ground and basically torture me by twisting my arms into a prone position hold behind my back, then talk to me and ask me why I did what I did and have a long winded conversation for 10 minutes while I just lay there crying in pain.
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___________________________________________________________________Please let me go, It hurts, why are you doing this to me, I would say. Why were you flicking the light switch on and off? He asked. Are you going to be calm if I let you go? Yes please, I promise, it hurts so bad, I said. I don't think your ready yet, he said. Please. It hurts, I said. I wont do it again. I promise, And so this just keeps going on like that for what felt like an hour. I was only 10 years old, and very tiny._________________________________________________________________________In my opinion, that's torture and should only be used on adults who are extremely out of control. Im not the only one who has experienced this kind of torture, many children like me have been physically restrained many times. This is and always will be torture, and an improper method of punishment, spanking is more plausible that what they did to me. Just thought I would add, my meme passed away (moms mom) and it broke my heart. Im sitting here right now and as I write this book, I start balling my eyes out and feeling so alone. Control.. Has been lost.. From here on out; Life.. It has been a really rough patch of grass, burning in the sun.. I don't know how else to get through this, so I decided to write this book, in hopes to become someone successful. After a good nights sleep from a 2 day mushroom binge, I continue to write my story, the story that is going to have some sudden twists and turns.
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