DON'T DEPEND ON ME - a story about jules & elliot

If there's any more pressure, I'll burst.

 "You're not gonna...tell Rue about this, right?" Jules frowned reluctantly as she sat on the cheap mattress.

"She won't find out, I promise," Elliot reassured her, seeming oddly tense.

"I do still love her," Jules felt the need to remind him, "but to be honest, I just don't want to even think about Rue right now."
"Why's that?" Elliot mumbled softly with a concerned look on his face.

"Everything about Rue and me just felt so natural at the start. We brought out the best in each other and we were both very aware of that," Jules paused and laid against the flimsy bed in Elliot's second-floor apartment. "But then it just became about her sobriety. And I know it sounds really fucking selfish to complain about that, and Rue's sobriety is still the most important thing to me. It just got to the point, though, where she brought out the worst in me, and I just brought...her sobriety."
"But was she happy?" Elliot interrupted Jules as he lowered his head to the pillow next to Jule's.

"That's what's so mentally draining about it. It seems as if her sobriety and her happiness are two extremely different concepts that are never aligned. When she was high, you know, from the hardcore shit," Jules clarified, "she was at rock bottom. Unhealthy and unhappy. But now she's getting better, she can think clearly, but she still seems unhappy."
"Going a few weeks without drugs won't fix the fucked-up shit in her head. It's called a mental illness for a reason." Elliot laughed, but Jules didn't seem too pleased with him attempting to make a joke out of this.

What Jules didn't know was that Rue had been hanging at Elliot's place almost everyday that week. Not only did Rue enjoy just sitting in Elliot's room with the loud sounds of silence, but Elliot was the only one who ever gave her drugs. Fezco had too much of a soft spot in his heart for Rue to ever sell her even the tiniest bag of coke.

"Why do you think Rue is so unhappy?" Jules finally broke the silence with the million dollar question.

Well first of all, being a drug addict doesn't help. Well, ex-drug addict," Elliot immediately clarified. He feared what Jules would do to him if she ever found out he'd been fueling Rue's addiction since her relapse. "Also, doesn't she have OCD, ADHD, and some other shit? Oh, and isn't she bipolar?" Elliot asked Jules.

Jules paused for a second as a tear dropped out of the faucet. "I think so," she whispered.

Elliot began to kiss her. Jules didn't hesitate as she sat up on the bed, and Elliot started to slide Jules' purple crop top off her shoulders. Jules giggled but didn't stop kissing him.

"Your turn," he spoke into her mouth. Jules gently pulled Elliot's The Smiths shirt, throwing it off the side of the bed. In return, he tore off her skirt like paper and Jules became visibly uncomfortable. "Oh my god, did I do something wrong?"

"Um, I just-"
"I'm so sorry."

Jules wiped the tear from her face, "It's fine. We can keep going."

Elliot didn't continue though. "Does sex ever give you dysphoria?" The air became filled with awkwardness.

"Sometimes," she responded honestly, "I often just pretend I'm a character in a video game though. Like someone's just controlling me and I'm just some teenage girl who was given the wrong parts so she decides to use it as a super power to please old, cis-white, married men." Jules laughed, disguising her crying.

"Have you ever thought about..." Elliot paused, suddenly becoming aware of how he almost became part of the ignorant cisgender people who ask questions that no decent human would ever fucking ask.

"Elliot," Jules sighed. "Can we just not talk about this shit right now? I don't want things to get sexual so fast...I've changed my mind." Jules revealed.

"Okay," he took a deep breath and picked up his shirt from the floor. The two continued to kiss and from the outside, seemed content. Elliot felt pretty fucking guilty about it though. And Jules felt embarrassed. She wished the parts she was given at birth didn't spark so much conversation. She wished people could just see a small bump in her skirt and not change their entire perception of her. Jules wished she could ignore those parts of herself too. Her dysphoria wouldn't budge though.

Elliot and Jules remained kissing, allowing their lips to slowly morph into each other like water absorbing salt. She held her hand against his cheek like she'd seen in the movies. Jules appreciated how gentle Elliot was. He wasn't like the other overly-horny, aggressive old men. Elliot seemed to kiss her slowly and acknowledge Jules, rather than just taking note of the satisfaction the kissing gave him. After a solid ten minutes, they both sat on opposite sides of the bed. Jules scrolled through her phone while Elliot stared at the wall with each arm resting behind his head.

Jules finally broke the silence after putting the phone down, screen facing the bed. She paused, "Is Rue really sober?"

Elliot gulped, not letting the fear inside his head show in his eyes. "Jules, I know she's been smoking some weed here and there, but that's all."

"Elliot, cut the bullshit." Jules stopped him immediately.

"Look, I think she's doing really well," he paused. "Besides, we both know damn well Fez won't give her shit."

"You really think?" Jules seemed pretty reassured.

"I don't know the dude. All I know is he seems to really fucking care about her. Jules," there was more silence, "Promise you won't leave again."

"Oh, did Rue tell you about that?" Jules was filled with even more guilt. Rue tried to constantly remind Jules her running away wasn't that big of a deal, though Jules knew it was. She was the reason Rue relapsed. All because of a stupid fucking train. Jules felt really bad about it though, and it seemed to have messed with Rue enough to prompt her to tell Elliot about it. "I won't go again, okay? It was Rue's idea but it was stupid of me to follow through with it, even when she backed out. I just needed a break."

"Yeah and then she fucking relapsed."

"I know, okay?" Jules began to raise her voice as she turned to face Elliot on the bed. "I majorly fucked up. She was doing so well until my selfish ass decided a trip to the city would do me some good."

"Jules, I didn't mean it in that way," Elliot tried to calm her down, fearing Jules would begin to break down. "You're not the reason she relapsed. In the end, she was the one who opened her mouth and dropped the pill inside."

"I know, it's just my actions that are causing all of these things. I wanna really try to be there for Rue as much as I can. But shit happens," She exclaimed. "I'm scared there'll just be one little time where I can't show up for her and something really bad happens."
"You think she'll overdose?" Elliot asked and scooted towards the center of the bed.

"I don't know. I just feel so much pressure. And I hate having to make this about me, but I feel like I'm swimming towards the bottom of the ocean. My ears are burning from the pressure.

"That's valid," he interrupted.

"If there's any more, I fear I'll burst."