betrayal

10 minutes

i loved them, i love them? i don't know what to say anymore. nor do i know how to express or talk about what happened, an online relationship is something i would say, we never even met. we never spoke, i never got to hug you, i never got to look into your eyes, touch your hair, i never got to see how you smelt. i just wanted you.
5 months was all it took for you to break my heart, after all it's been broken before, i have been this stupid over and over. it's not the fact you moved on quickly,it's the fact you want to be friends after, i do love you and i did see a future with you, im not going to include a 'but' or 'if' this happened because it never did. and the end of the day it's always going to be you as much or as little as i wanted that and no matter how mad or angry i was or am i always know you're always going to be on my mind.

so how does our story start,i guess im the one telling it so i can start it from the day you shouted me out on your story, 'happy birthday ***❤️❤️, have a good day' i never knew how far i could actually get. with someone who i only knew from instagram, you went to a school near my house which means if i wanted to you weren't far away, i knew where you were. the worst part of this relationship friendship situationship whatever you want to call it, is that at the end of everything we were only a 10 minute drive, a 15 minute run, a meet in the middle away from the proper start of our whole journey but i just wish on every star, on every penny i throw into a deep well, that it will eventually work out. but again who knows? we were only left with hope.

now let's talk about me, considering im not going to blame it all onto one person when you haven't heard their side yet or will you ever hear their side? i'm not going to sit here and make myself feel better for talking shit on my name, but i do know i was the problem, im
not going into detail because their simply wouldn't be a point.

the first time you left i felt different, i couldn't eat the same? things just weren't the same, i would still message you 'get home safe' even though i knew you wouldn't respond, after all another person was making you smile, the second time the third time and the fourth went by quicker than you would have thought, but who's counting right? they cared a lot about me, i know that, and i know no matter what i did right/wrong i know that i was being myself 100% of the time, yeah i may have adjusted my hair before i sent a snap or stared a little too hard at her snaps, i didn't like them, i was in love.

the feelings grew deeper and deeper and as usual we are friends, i knew it wasn't going to last, it never would, im sitting in my room typing this listening to a playlist of all the songs that remind me of you, i thought people were lying when they put ' all the songs are about you now' but they really are, i can't be any more inrested in a soul who is so complex, i try i think, yeah, i think i do try, no buts or ifs, i did try, whenever we took those ' breaks' or had those 'fights' i hope they knew i would always think about them.

delivered, to opened, to pending.

long paragraphs describing how much we hate each other in that moment, did i ever mean it? for all i know i could be writing about this in the future, they know things no one else does, i know things no one else does. so why, simply why? im trying to describe how im feeling but i've come to a point i don't even know why, so i can look back on this? why would i want to do that, i already listen to your voice everyday, i still have you as my wallpaper, and i'll never stop loving you and if i do, i'll never find that same connection ever again.

thinking i've moved on is one thing, kissing someone else and feeling your lips is another, why were you there? you were a billion miles away doing what? that was the thing, you weren't far, a simple drive away and there you were, sitting in bed on your phone waiting for someone to come and save your life

i have nothing to say about how this failed. all i want to know is why i let so much happen with you

a years gone by and i've felt so much more than i have ever, ever.
my hearts beating fast now

i hope you do know that i love you

i'm sorry i couldn't be your person if i could show it i promise you i would
in no way possible do i wish the best for you. it's sad i'm still as petty even with my heart in too, never would i say this outloud

after all, im just 14,
right?