𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐯𝐨𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 | [𝟏𝟖+]

thirty one: the lost.

𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚'𝐬 𝐏𝐨𝐯:

For my entire life, all I've ever felt was pain.

Whether it was physical or emotional, it was always there.

But it wasn't until my mom died that all that pain had left. It was all gone and I couldn't feel a goddamn thing.

And not feeling a thing was far worse than the pain itself.

Which is why I would beat myself up in the gym. Physical pain felt so much better than not feeling something at all. Deep down, I knew this wasn't healthy. Being in the gym every second of the day and all hours of the night would end up destroying me.

And now I wish more than anything that was the thing that destroyed me.

For the last few days, I've been laying in my bed. I haven't eaten, I haven't slept, all I've done is stare out at the window and cry. No one has come into my room. The only person who I've had contact with the last few days was Salvatore. He knew I wasn't eating but would place a bowl of grapes on my bedside table and remind me that I need to eat something.

Every single night.

Markus and Greyson have tried coming in and talking to me. But I didn't even have the strength to turn around and look at them. They're in as much pain as I'm in and I can't even comfort them like I'm supposed to.

I haven't spoken to Leo, Vinny, or Rocco. They've stopped by every day though. They've been the ones taking care of my brothers. They even stayed for a few nights trying to cheer them up. But they've always been checking to see if I wanted to talk or if I needed anything or most importantly if I still hated them.

I don't hate Vinny or Rocco.

But fuck, I've never hated Leo more than I do right now.

If I were to see him, I wouldn't hesitate to fucking kill him. To slit his goddamn throat. To torture him and enjoy every fucking second of it.

I've never wanted to kill a person more than I do right now.

I hear a knock on my door and all I do is pull the covers over my head. I don't want to speak, see, or hear anything from anyone. I want to sink into my bed and never be seen or heard ever again.

"Can we please come in?" Markus' voice rings through the door. "We need you," he admits as his voice cracks and I find the strength to turn around and face it. I see him peeking through the crack of the door and I don't say anything as I scoot over and make room for them.

They walk into the room, closing the door behind them. They look terrible, still wearing the clothes they were wearing the day it happened.

Can't judge, so am I.

They crawl into my bed, attempting to curl into me but failing because I've already curled into a ball myself. This is the best I can do for them. I don't want to speak, I don't want to hold them and force myself to be strong for them. I just want to stay in my ball. Allowing them to come into my bed was already a big enough step for me.

"Leo's here," Greyson breaks the silence. My head already forming a headache from their voices and the fact that I haven't eaten in days.