The Me You Won't See

Chapter 1 - Laura's Perspective

"Laura, Hurry up! I thought you wanted to get to university early before all the other students arrived!" I heard my mum cry from down the stairs.

I looked at myself in the mirror. This would be the first day back at any kind of school after taking a year off. This wasn't the typical year off where one travels around the world with friends for a break before settling down to study, no, mine was a transition. I'd been on male-to-female hormones ever since I was 14, and once I turned 18, I wanted to ensure I was comfortable with how I presented before I ever considered further education. I didn't want any student to be aware of my past.

I was wearing a Minnie Mouse jumper with a short dress below. My hair was down to my shoulders, just like I'd always wanted, and yet I couldn't help but feel anxiety at the thought that maybe my new classmates and student neighbours would see right through me. Just last month I was walking along the high street when I passed a former classmate who immediately recognised me. I was fortunate enough that all they did was give me a quick hello, but it was the instant recognition that dampened my self esteem. I also didn't have an easy time making friends. I'm autistic, which means socialising comes like a second language to me. Most people aren't interested when I blab about things like new upcoming cartoons. Maybe I just wasn't ready to return to the world as my current self.

I walked downstairs where my mum was waiting for me next to my fully-packed suitcases.

"What kept you?", mum asked with a hint of impatience, "I've been waiting here for 20 minutes and you've just been in your room doing God knows what."

Suddenly I felt the urge to fight back tears in my eyes. Months of hidden emotions ready to pour out like a dam that's about to burst.

"Mum, I'm not sure I'm ready to go to university, what if nobody likes me?" I responded with tears in my eyes.

Mum sighed and gave me a light hug, "Honey, first days at university are never easy. I remember my first day there I felt like a fish out of water, and I know being transgender can't make things easier", she leaned back, her hands now on my shoulders, and faced me with a look I could only describe as a look on determination, "But this past year has shown me that you're one of the bravest people I know. When you transitioned, you showed that the most important thing is to be yourself no matter what other people think, and those who can't accept you don't matter anyway."

"But what if nobody likes me? I can't even count the amount of times people have rolled their eyes the moment I brought up Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon."

Mum laughed, "You're studying animation for Pete's sake, I'm sure you'll find at least one person in your class who's just as passionate as you."

I couldn't argue there, mum made a great point. This would be a class full of people passionate enough about animation thar they'd want to make it their career. Surely at least one of them would share my love for cartoons; maybe there'd even be another autistic student in the class of whom I could be friend. Though I highly doubted I would encounter another transgender student there. Outside of trans support groups, we're a pretty hard bunch to encounter.

I chose to study animation at Manchester University. This was largely due to its fairly close proximity to home. Close enough for me to return to Runcorn if ever necessary, yet distant enough that I could begin to have an independent life without the aid of my mother. I was also already familiar with the streets of Central Manchester, so I was almost certain that the change in scenery wouldn't be too overwhelming.

After loading all my suitcases into the car and making a final check to ensure there was nothing I had forgotten, we set off. As the car drove further from home, I turned around to see the view of Runcorn Bridge fading further and further into the distance.

"You're rather quiet," Mum remarked, "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll do great at this new university. And don't forget I'm only a short journey away, not even an hour on the train!"

I stared out the window as the trees passed by the motorway. In just a few hours I was going to be living in a new place, meeting students I didn't even yet know.