Not Like This

Part 1

 Everyone tells you to trust your gut, but I am sure no one actually does that.

The wind fed me my own hair around eleven times while I waited to board the ship. My daughter had a fever and I was on a business trip. I decided I would rather be a good mother than a good doctor. I can't go around saving other people's lives while my daughter was suffering, so I booked the first cruise back to California. 

There was commotion everywhere. The captains weren't even on the fucking ship. I was supposed to be sailing the Pacific ocean an hour ago.

 "If we sail today, then we will all end up in the ocean!"

What did I just hear? I tried to push through everybody to get to the captain to ask why we were still waiting to board. That's when the thunder shouted at us. 

And so did the other ship captain, "Fuck it! Everybody get on board, we are going to California today."

Is this safe? Is this going to end well? Will I die? Should I cancel my cruise? Am I willing to risk this to get back to my poor five year old suffering with the possibility that I might never see her again? Am I too lazy to cancel cruise? That was the only question I could answer.

What is the point of going through everything because there was less than a five percent chance of disaster?

That five percent chance just turned into a ninety nine percent. I would have said one hundred percent, if I believed in it. Anyone who claims to be one hundred percent sure of anything is a liar, or an optimist. Nobody can predict the future. I once told my patient she wasn't one hundred percent going to die as she flatlined. She did, but it was just the ninety-nine percent chance winning. 

There was no way that I was actually going to experience something that I feared for my whole life, though. Right? We all fear of getting kidnapped, but most people don't. I have a fear of the ocean, so why did the ship captain just tell us that we were sinking? My daughter has a fear of losing her loved ones, so why did the possibility that she was going to lose her mother just widen?

So now I either drown, get eaten by an unearthly ocean creature, or I die from panic. I'm not even scared of dying. Though, I am terrified of what my child's life would become living with no parents. Is my sweet Calista going to have foster parents that treat her well? I hope so, but no one can treat her as well as I can, no one can give her a better life than I can, no one can love her as much as I do.

I was in the middle of a thought when the ship purser burst through the crew cabin to assure us that we are not going to die, "It's okay just stay calm everyone, we will tell you what to do once the time has come. We have our safety procedures, and all you have to do is to follow them. We are sure that no one is going to die today, not from a sinking ship." 

There was so much uncertainty in her voice and that frightened me. 

 The crying girl one seat behind me opened her mouth, "How sure are you?"

 "I'm one hundred percent sure, honey."

 She was a liar.