vent diary

Diary entry two

I'm back with the sudden urge to say how much i look forwards to the summer. The cold but still warm summer nights laying on the grass with Emma, looking at the stars. I can't wait. Racing into the water on a boiling hot summer day seeing who comes first. Eating watermelon with my mom on the porch of my summer cabin looking out on the still water. Seeing the water steam off the road because of the intense heat. Standing at my window painting the sea with the seagulls flying over. 

I'm mostly looking forwards to driving off in the sunset with my friends on the country side, looking for a quiet grass spot to lay down on while the sun goes down and the stars shine. Telling the wildest story's about the days we aren't together. Talking about alien conspire theories. And then driving to area 51 looking for them too. 

I can't wait. It feels like an eternity until then. But i know that after the long wait the summer will be rewarding. I do regret last summer a little bit since 50% of the time i was sitting inside playing videogames with my online friends at the time, hoping for something good to come along. It was a bit selfish thinking i could just sit around waiting for the good things to come to me. I should have gone searching for them.

I hope i can leave the summer coming up with no regrets. But only looking forwards to the next time. It is mostly the winter that Bugs me. I don't like the cold. It makes me un-motivated and i don't like that feeling. I feel weak and helpless, like i don't want to get out of bed. I start loosing track of time and i forget the days. I just wish i could make the most of the time in winter. But my brain just doesn't let me. It hasn't always been this way. When i was 14 i used to love the winter. The fact is winter was my favorite season back then. I used to have lots of friends and we would go outside everyday building big snow forts and having snowball fights. We all lived in the same trashy alleyway.  I don't get why i wasn't sadder back then but am now. From the age 12-14 mt mom was an extremal alcoholic. It was to the point of her paying for wine with tax money. It came to the point of uss getting evicted and having to live on the streets. But i still remember that being the happiest time of my life, because of all the different connections i had. It all changed when we decided to move to a little town on more of the country side. I had to change schools and find new friends but at least my mom stopped drinking and got control of her life. I was happy for her but my happiness has its limits.

signing off Ace, peace.