Dear Diary: Finding Myself

Part 1: Who am I?

5 Feb 2022
Dear Diary,
I am going to be 21 this year, I just got my bachelor's degree in accounting, I am interning in a good company, I have a dog, I am a gemini, I post some shitty tiktok contents, I love to dance, I get way too attached to movies and books, I am very sentimental and emo sometimes, I talk alot, I've always been too scared to start writting, I love ice hockey - GO RANGERS, I hate how fake social media is, but it does help to be fake on social media sometimes. I know humas are very complex beings, but we often oversimplify things for other people and overcomplicate things for ourselves. How funny that is. How we think our life is so much harder than theirs; when we can't even put ourselves in their position, think like them, see like them, feel like them. This is what we call empathy. Not everyone has this skill, I like to think that I do have a higher empathy than the average people. I am confident in that. However I do not have the best critical thinking skills, would love to work on that. I hate burdening people, but at the same time I actually really need them. It's been hard being with myself lately, because of the thoughts I have. I am mad that there is a pandemic going on. I don't know what I can change in my life. I have so many people depending on me, so I can't be selfish. I also think it's because I'm Asian that I have this sense of responsibility towards my family. But hey I'm not living for them. They have their own lives to go on with. Their own things to figure out. Maybe they don't need me, I just like to think that they do. Because I'm too scared to choose myself. I have a bestfriend; she's the only one I can count on. But sometimes I don't even want to talk to her about my problems. I've debated about going to therapy, but is it gonna be a waste of money? I used to think that I could be my own therapist. Your thoughts create your reality. It's a subjective world we live in. My reality is different than yours. If you're here I guess you too are trying to figure out what life is. What are you living for? What are the things you've always wanted to pursue? I've always said that if I live in the US, I would pursue a career as a novelist, but that's just an excuse, you can start anywhere. I make new friends, but they don't last. I aspire to make genuine connections with people I admire. I don't admire alot of people. Dancing is something I love, I regret ever stopping ballet. I prefer it than modern hip hop. I think I love educating people. I love teaching them about things I love. If I actually pursue a master's degree in psychology, I think I would want to be a professor. Crazy isn't it? It's like something that has 0% chance of happening. I am gonna apply for a master's degree though later this year. I hope I'll see you next year Norway. I'm sad. Why am I always sad? I'm not actually always sad, I just haven't figure out how to control my thoughts. I feel like whatever I'm thinking is the reality when it obviously is not. Here ends my train of thought tonight. Now you know who I am. Bear with me, I'm trying to figure life out.