He no longer looks on me with love. I can barely remember now the years past when I would see nothing but pure adoration shining in his deep sapphire eyes. The memories of us are fading away, lost in an ocean of confusion and pain. Days spent laughing until our stomachs hurt, staring into each others' eyes and communicating what we both felt in our hearts with merely the tenderness of our gaze.
Heartbreak is a funny thing. It crashes down on you like a tidal wave, stealing away your ability to breathe until you feel as though the world is ending. But then, like any storm, it passes. Streaks of light begin to show through the storm clouds, filling you with warmth and hope. It fills your heart, rebuilding and sealing the gaping holes that were threatening to swallow you. The world seems brighter again.
It's only when it happens again that you realise those holes were never sealed as tightly as they were before. The pain splits them open, agony streaming through you like a river. It tears at you, picking away all the healing you had worked so hard to maintain. The world dims, and for a moment everything feels numb. Then, again, you begin to heal. The small moments start to feel more joyous, and your days start with words of hope rather than of pain.
Yet deep down, the cuts are not healed. They may have been stitched, but they were stitched in a hurry. You can't help but think,
"Why? Why me? It doesn't make sense. Why won't they see me like I see them? Why am I not enough?"
It's these thoughts that are what works so hard to stem your growth. They loiter at the back of your mind, watching and waiting for their way through. And when they see an opening, they rip away the stitches in their way, tossing them aside like rubbish. You find yourself lost in a world of whys, questions spinning round your head day and night.
It's something that is very hard to come back from. But, like most things, you know it will leave. So, you surround yourself with the things that never left you. Let them build you up again until the cuts have been stitched as if by the most precise surgeon. Life gets better, and they slowly leave your mind.
And then you meet someone. Someone walks into your carefully balanced life, and asks you to trust them. And you do, just because you want their love. You let their reassurance push away your past experiences. But always, never leaving, is one question.
"What if it happens again?"
Because one's heart can only be broken so many times before it splits open like a dam, unfixable.
- this was inspired by lines from the poem "Sonnet 29" by Edna St. Vincent Millay
YOU ARE READING
short writing pieces for when you need to relate to something
Randomthis is a collection of short pieces of writing that i have written over time. they're very random, but i hope that in some you find things you can relate to.
