CHE-MIS-TRY

Monologue

I know it's time to make a decision, but my  ethical path doesn't let me. Careful, science is consuming me. My inquisitiveness makes me get up every day, but now it has become my sentence. I'm trapped in my knowledge. I must breathe, combine these chemicals, shake. Watch out! if acid drops fell to the ground, would be catastrophic. It's a matter of letting things go... NO! Remember the countless times your mother underestimated you and called you useless. How many times your dad was not there? Late-night study hours in the public library, often without food nor sleep, cannot be wasted. My aspirations go beyond just wearing a snow-white lab coat and some blue latex gloves that I already have the practice of putting on. This is my dream or my nightmare?. I want to be a well-known scientist and to prove to everyone how talented I can be, but not when it compromises my principles. Don't replay the memory of your grandfather... I'm sure he would not have died if I had started sacrificing humans. My eyes watered. Why are you so soft? Concentrate, open your eyes, this is a transhumanist attitude. But just imagine coming across a cure for something big, perhaps cancer ... Crowds clamming my name ... feeling so much joy about my creations ... Asshh I don't want to pass a fragile line from which I recognize no returning. My heart is beating out of my chest so fast that I can almost taste it. I'm playing dangerously with the mind. I'm tired of my perfectionist attitude towards the job that moves every fiber of my being at the same time that it scares me. Why is love so scary? But at the same time, am i scared of being alone? I'm tired of feeling highly tie to tragedy. I wish it was as simple as snapping my fingers. One, two,three, done.. Something tickles from my forehead. I break out in my cold sweat. How is it possible to love something so much that it puts me on the horns of a dilemma? This ineffable feeling of uncertainty is such that it distresses me. I don't know what to do. Tell me universe. Look around you! My instincts tell me that we must survive at all costs, but my conscience doesn't allow me to carry this guilt. I think about him. His white body, brown hair and his lips telling me I'm the best. Why my first love? Shut up, he' s gone just like everyone, but What does he have to do with all of this? Did he use me? This is too much for a black girl who just started her profession properly. Nobody warned me. The government is going to pay me very well but I can't let them buy my human values. What if i run? I know too much. We create and destroy, like atoms, unlike we don't release as much useful energy. Instead, we fight among ourselves seeking to eradicate oppressed segments. Nine letters, three syllables "CHE-MIS-TRY" This word is running through my head. Everything is so cheeky, misbalanced ... Come on, retry. I notice inaudible voices. Something hurts. I feel stunned. On my right, there is a capsule with a green liquid on a black bottom. Grab it with your hand. What was it that I was agitating so much? I'm gasping for air. Take it. The pain is gone, but did I forget to see the label? I will be chased by the consequences. So much pressure. Stop talking to yourself. Recall: Everything is a product of your brain. I have my doubts indeed. Sometimes, there are things that don't need to be checked, right? But what if ... It is not up to me anymore.