It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, GOODOFRED, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly angered, GOODOFRED slapped a potato, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he realized that his beloved iPad was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, LEROY TABAKA. GOODOFRED had known LEROY TABAKA for (plus or minus) 11,000 years, the majority of which were flamboyant ones. LEROY TABAKA was unique. He was plucky though sometimes a little... stupid. GOODOFRED called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
LEROY TABAKA picked up to a very unctuous GOODOFRED. LEROY TABAKA calmly assured him that most long-haired sea monkeys belch before mating, yet South American hissing sloths usually flamboyantly sneeze *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting GOODOFRED. Why was LEROY TABAKA trying to distract GOODOFRED? Because he had snuck out from GOODOFRED's with the iPad only three days prior. It was a saucy little iPad... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before GOODOFRED got back to the subject at hand: his iPad. LEROY TABAKA shuddered. Relunctantly, LEROY TABAKA invited him over, assuring him they'd find the iPad. GOODOFRED grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, LEROY TABAKA realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the iPad and he had to do it fearlessly. He figured that if GOODOFRED took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least two minutes before GOODOFRED would get there. But if he took the CARMAGEDON? Then LEROY TABAKA would be ridiculously screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, LEROY TABAKA was interrupted by seven clueless TURTLEs that were lured by his iPad. LEROY TABAKA yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling exasperated, he randomly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and randomly grabbed every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the disease-infested jungle, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the CARMAGEDON rolling up. It was GOODOFRED.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Wal-Mart to pick up a 12-pack of live hand grenades, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, GOODOFRED was out of the CARMAGEDON and went charismatically jaunting toward LEROY TABAKA's front door. Meanwhile inside, LEROY TABAKA was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the iPad into a box of carrots and then slid the box behind his whale. LEROY TABAKA was displeased but at least the iPad was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' LEROY TABAKA charismatically purred. With a deft push, GOODOFRED opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some pestering coke fiend in a amphibious vehicle,' he lied. 'It's fine,' LEROY TABAKA assured him. GOODOFRED took a seat exotically proximate to where LEROY TABAKA had hidden the iPad. LEROY TABAKA belched trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But GOODOFRED was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, LEROY TABAKA noticed a insensitive look on GOODOFRED's face. GOODOFRED slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
LEROY TABAKA felt a stabbing pain in his armpit when GOODOFRED asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the iPad right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A dimwitted look started to form on GOODOFRED's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's potatos from when she used to have pet man-eating capybaras. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. GOODOFRED nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before LEROY TABAKA could react, GOODOFRED fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The iPad was plainly in view.
GOODOFRED stared at LEROY TABAKA for what what must've been eleven days. In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, LEROY TABAKA groped sassily in GOODOFRED's direction, clearly desperate. GOODOFRED grabbed the iPad and bolted for the door. It was locked. LEROY TABAKA let out a flamboyant chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, GOODOFRED,' he rebuked. LEROY TABAKA always had been a little funny-smelling, so GOODOFRED knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before LEROY TABAKA did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his iPad tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
LEROY TABAKA looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from GOODOFRED. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for GOODOFRED. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. LEROY TABAKA walked over to the window and looked down. GOODOFRED was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, GOODOFRED was struggling to make his way through the haunted thicket behind LEROY TABAKA's place. GOODOFRED had severely hurt his shin during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral TURTLEs suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the iPad. One by one they latched on to GOODOFRED. Already weakened from his injury, GOODOFRED yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of TURTLEs running off with his iPad.
But then God came down with His charismatic smile and restored GOODOFRED's iPad. Feeling stunned, God smote the TURTLEs for their injustice. Then He got in His spaceship and darted away with the fortitude of 20 albino cats running from a big pack of 3-legged wallabies. GOODOFRED skipped with joy when he saw this. His iPad was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in five minutes his favorite TV show, Te lord, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When 3-legged wallabies meet gun'). GOODOFRED was overjoyed. And so, everyone except LEROY TABAKA and a few bloody glove-toting 3-legged wallabies lived blissfully happy, forever after.
*** L337 Story Generator v1.0
*** Written by Derek Clark. Copyright © www.the-elite.net ~ 2004-present
*** Forever pwning with earnest.
