Loneliness caught me again, completely off guard. I definitely have some issues to work through. I've always figured why I actually am actually so lonely.
I guess it all springs from insecurity. The source of everything I hate. Not being able to start a conversation because you feel like you're bugging them. When you're actually talking you feel like you're boring them. When you walk past them you hear them talking about you, about how ugly you are. Nobody's saying a word though.
I just don't feel like I could never be enough, for anyone, for anything. And I even feel like I understand that, why would you want to spend years with me. Why would you want to wake up next to my make-upless face, hair frizzy, eyes puffy.
I see the beauty in everyone, I can't call anyone sincerely ugly, except myself. Maybe I'm so used to myself. Maybe because I see myself so often all my flaws are under a loop. Maybe because I expect too much from myself.
I just feel like I'm this pile of nothingness. Nothing special. Nothing interesting. I always tell others how special they are, how beautifully perfect they are. That losing those few pounds will not make them worth any more than they already are. That the make-up they put on won't make them any more beautiful than their souls already are. That the guy trying to disrespectfully hit on them isn't worth their time, cause they deserve so much more. If I were friends with myself, I would probably tell myself the same, but somehow I can't take my own advice.
