SWEET VALENTINE

petals and leaves ♡ @SexiPoRNyStAr

Written by: SeXiPoRNyStAr

— c. beomgyu

~

When I was young, like the fragile seed of a plant, I used to believe that I  was one of the fortunate children and I had the best parents I could always rely on. They made me joyous, they took care of me very carefully, they fulfilled all of my yearnings, and always made me feel loved.

I used to believe that with those valuable cares of my parents I'll grow into a gorgeous blossom someday and will maintain the most elegant petals and leave.

However, when I began to mature I realised that I was entirely mistaken. When I turned 10 my parents sent me off to a boarding school, the teachers there were selfish. They treated their favourite students like a divinity, while they treated the rest of the oppositely us as if we weren't humans but some vicious beasts. The seniors did not appreciate me much either, they simply favoured my friends while my friends loathed me so largely for no explanation. They used to enunciate bullshit behind my back, ignore me a maximum of the time and constantly left me alone and my 10-year-old self sadly tolerated them because she was afraid to speak up, she was afraid they would loathe her more.

I just wished to feel accepted.

All those other plants disliked the newborn plant because the newborn plant stood the weakest.

When I graduated from elementary school to my middle year, my parents threatened me to live in the same school. I threw tons of tantrums at them, I was frightened, I was terrified, I didn't wish to dwell there again but I noticed that my discomfort didn't matter to my parents.

It felt like they wished to get rid of the seed and they don't care about me anymore. I was unhappy because it was the first time I felt like I didn't matter to them and I felt unwanted.

I just wanted their love.

In my middle school year, I experienced my first crush. The seed was still growing but someone had already possessed a spot on the chimney of its heart. It wasn't the affection I had for my parents or the flowers of my garden, it was something, something all fresh to me, I didn't know what to do.

And guess who? It was you.

Even though you were in a different section while I was in the other, it didn't quit the seed of the emotions evolving in me for you.

After having our lunch, our warden used to send all of us to the playground and there I used to catch a glimpse of you with your friends. I wanted to be your friend but I was shy, you were like the only ethereal blossom occupied in my garden while I adored you from afar.

Later what I realised was that the small seed of crush I had for you unexpectedly thrived into a massive flower of love. I was nervous that I was being noticeable with my feelings, I was afraid that someone might take advantage of the feelings I had for you, and they did.

My classmate Aroma, who was one of my playmates in my elementary school, spread the message of me having feelings for you to the entire school. I was embarrassed by it, that day when a group of the crowd was teasing and mocking me, you stood afar watching all it happen.

I was heartbroken.

Our boarding school had a formal rule with all these cases, courtship was never allowed. So, I was chastised by my class teacher, why? I was sad, that day I questioned why we are forbidden to love? What is love? A drug that is not simple to get rid of once you get addicted to it or is it something like caring for someone? You love them because you care for them, you are scared about losing them and you want to always be with them. Is that what love is?

After that incident, I started to loathe you. I don't know the reason why I hate you, but I do loathe you. The love I had for you began to coat itself by the leaf of hate covering the blossom of affection for you in me, but fate started to play with me again.

You became my seatmate, I was shy, thrilled, awkward and embarrassed. We rarely had a conversation with each other. I thought you were shy just like me, but I was wrong.

You were the loud friendly type, you talked to me that day. We had a conversation that day and it wasn't awkward at all, it was fun and interesting. I relished talking to you every day and what I realised was that the leaf which I used to cover my flower started to decay unexpectedly and my feelings were slowly returning.

I panicked, I didn't want to make you awkward, we were just bonding, our friendship's root was just growing and so, I began avoiding you and to my dismay, you didn't even try to know the reason why was I avoiding you. It felt like, you were forced to be my seatmate, you weren't shy at first, you hated me just like the others. You didn't talk to me because you were eager but perhaps because you borrowed me to get rid of your boredom.

Was it because of the accident that happened last year? Do you hate me too, like everyone else?

I was heartbroken, again.

Our graduation is in a week. My parents are pressuring me to take med school when I wasn't interested in becoming a nurse. I wanted to become something related to music, I don't want to rush but it seems like my parents are rushing so much they forget that I'm slowly losing myself.

I tried to talk to my parents about my goal because I felt stressed. My parents instead insulted me and told me that I shouldn't do something like that. What will society say? They told me to either become a nurse or just never get in their sight because I was an embarrassment for them.

I was heartbroken. I felt unloved.

My life was simple in others' eyes but they didn't know the dark side, so I chose the second option and went to sleep for eternity. I hid my pain through the smile on my lips while the tears in my eyes threatened to fall, all this time I begged for love when I didn't know what love was.

I used to believe that love is something you give to your parents, love is something your mother feels for you, love is something between two partners, but I never realised that love can be self-love too.

My love, Beomgyu, if you ever get a feeling for someone like the way I had for you, remember to love yourself first.

I was the tiny seed who grew up into a tiny leaf, I went through the rain, the hurricane, the dried moment when I was thirsty for water, the feeling of your owner not caring for you anymore. Nothing happened according to what I thought, I was a weak plant so I gave up and started to rot.

— Eui.

THE END.