Life's secrets

1

I wake up to the nice warm feeling of the sun that falls through the thin curtains. I stretchs myself out, and pull the covers a little further up to my chin. I am still a little sleepy. I turn around, away from the windows. I close my eyes and try to get back to the nice dream I was having, but before I can remember it, I hear a knock on the door. I don't want to get up yet, so I don't say anything. I hear the door opening. Through my eyelashes I see my mother looking around the corner. "Ilaria, are you awake?" she whispers.

I mumble something along the lines of no. She ignores me and walks straight to the windows. She opens the curtains and all the light of the sun falls in, it must already be noon. I squeeze my eyes to slits, to not be blinded. "I said I wasn't awake," I growle.

"Well you are awake now, aren't you?'' she replies calmly. She had put on a dark blue summer dress that fell loose along her body. She looks really beautiful, but it doesn't feel right. I know she only wears it for me. Normally she wears jeans and a shirt.

I smile politely. As if she reads my mind, she signes and goes to sit on the side of my bed. I go to sit up straight. I look at my mom and see how hard she tries to keep it together. On this date exactly six years ago, my father went missing. Despite that my mother and I look very much alike, (we both have straight blond hair and brown eyes) the way we grieved was a lot different. I was sad at first but after a while I just felt numb and kept to myself. My mom on the other hand never really grieved at all, she stayed strong for me, but I still hear her cry sometimes.

"I know you don't want it, but I would really like for this day to be happy. It's what your father would have wanted," she says finally, breaking the silence.

"I know," I sign, looking at my hands.

"So to begin today I want you to have this." She holds out her hands for me so I can take the little wrapped present from her.

"Happy birthday," my mom says while I rip the green wrapping paper off of the little box that's inside.

I look at the silver box, I don't know what to think. It looks expensive, which makes me not want it. We don't have much money, and I don't want my mom spending that what we have, on a birthday I don't want to celebrate.

"Well open it," my mother says excitedly.

I take the lid off. In it is a beautiful silver locket with a rose engraving, it gave me a mysterious magical feeling. I take it out of the box and click it open. In it I see two photos, one of my mother and one of my father. Confused, I look at my mom.

"This way you always have us with you," she explained. The way she said it worried me a bit, she wouldn't leave too, would she? But I figure she just happened to say the wrong words, so I let it go.

"Thanks mom, it's an amazing present." And it really was amazing, even though it also made me a little sad.

I put on the locket, I look at it while holding it in my right hand. "I'll be there in a minute," I say still looking at the locket. My mom nods, she bites her lip as if she still wants to say something, but she doesn't. She smiles and then walks out of my room.

~~~

I push the covers to the end of my bed and go to sit cross-legged. I look around my room, for a second it doesn't feel like mine; we've moved so many times over the past six years, (every time smaller) that I never get completely used to my rooms anymore. But I see my books and I smile a little, they're everywhere. My mom has said many times that I should consider throwing some away, but I never do. I think of all the books I've read, I had gone on so many adventures reading them. That way I didn't have to face reality. I'm always reading, and if I'm not then I'm watching movies. That reminds me of all the birthdays and Christmases that I have had, every time I had asked for books. And every time I had gotten them. Except once; on my tenth birthday. For some reason my dad had bought me a bow and arrows. I didn't understand why. He said: "whenever you're alone and in danger, you'll have these to protect yourself." It sounded so weird, but after that, all the seriousness was gone and he sounded excited to teach me. I still think of it sometimes, it's as if he knew he was going to disappear that day.

I stand up to kneel next to my bed. I want to look at the bow again. All these years I had kept it, but I had never taken it out of the box, so I don't know why I suddenly feel the urge to hold it again.

I reach under my bed. I pull out a long wooden casket from under it. In the right under corner is my name written: Ilaria Amor, in small silver calligraphy letters. I push the lid up. In it is the bow I remember from my tenth birthday, it's like the casket; wooden with silver engravings. Next to it lay matching arrows.

I take one of the arrows in my hand. It feels light and I easily turn it between my fingers. With my left hand I take the bow from the box. I hold it firmly and place the arrow on the string of the bow.

I remember practising with my father, I missed every time, but my dad just kept smiling saying I just needed practice. I kept trying after my father was gone, and I became better. But I began doing it less after a while, I don't remember stopping, I just remember not doing it anymore.

I sign, tired of my thoughts wandering off to things I don't want to think about.

"Ring, ring." I startle by the sudden sound of my phone. I put the bow and arrow down and reach for my phone on my nightstand. I look at the screen: "Rainbow ". A smile forms on my face. Iris is my best friend. Her name means rainbow and she lives up to her name, she is the most outgoing person I know. If anyone can make me feel better it's her.

I pick it up and put it on speakerphone.

"Hello," I say enthusiastically.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Iris screams into the phone. "So I have the whole day planned out; we're gonna eat cake, sing karaoke and drink until we're drunk!"

"First of all," I start, "I turn sixteen not eighteen. And second of all, bold of you to assume I'm even going to leave the house," I laugh. I put everything neatly back in the casket and push it under bed.

"Of course you're gonna leave the house, if you're not already going to the library, I'll just have to pull you by the ankles out of the door," she says in all seriousness.

I lean with my back against the bed. "You're crazy, you know that right?" I smile.

"You say it as if it's a bad thing," she answers.

I start laughing; "I'm gonna hang up now. Byyyye." "Hey." I still hear before clicking her away.

~~~

For a second I'm lost in thought again. Thinking about my father, my mother, this day. Somewhere inside me I feel guilty. I'm not sure why. Maybe because ever since my dad was gone, I haven't been so easy on my mom. I have been distant, living in my own world. Suddenly I realise, to her it might have felt like she lost two important people. I don't understand how I only noticed that just now. Maybe I always knew, but was too busy with myself to register it.

I make a note to myself to spend more time with my mom. Then I put all those thoughts away and stand up.

I put on some music, then I walk to my closet and open it. I consider putting on something special, but then I change my mind and replace my pyjamas for some simple blue jeans, a blank black shirt and a denim jacket. I put on my boots, take my phone and swing my bag over my shoulder, then walk to the door. I lay my hand on the handle, but then hesitate...

I already wasn't proud about what I was going to do, but considering what I thought just a moment ago, my heart sinks to the ground. But instead of doing the good and noble thing, I decide to still be selfish.

~~~

I walk through the door and almost hit the bathroom wall on my way out. I take a deep breath and turn to see my mom leaning over the kitchen table, putting down plates with waffles.

I hate it when in movies, they leave without eating any of the good food, but... that's exactly what I'm gonna do.

I slowly walk towards the table, but when I'm almost there I start to speed up. I walk past the table and to the hatstand. I take an extra coat and want to walk straight to the door.

"Ilaria." I turn around and see my mom looking at me, her eyes sad. "At least eat." I look at her for a second, then nod and stroll back to the table. I snatch up a waffle, wondering why she didn't urge me to stay. I don't protest though. I speed back, closing the door behind me, releasing a breath as I hear it click in the frame.