Story of an Indian Girl

Chapter 5

After dropping off the kids Alisha di and niharika bhabhi both walked down the steps extremely slowly making the anticipation all the more lengthy and painful.

Due to my anxiety I did not stop trembling and I needed my anti- anxiety pills or else I would continue to shake then feel breathless as if I were underwater and then puke and feel extremely dizzy. I didn't know to bring this up. Or even find my voice to ask bhai to help me.

"Priya why are your hands trembling?" bhabhi asked in a soothing and concerned tone.
"b-b-h-a-b-h-i" I managed to stutter out extremely softly with a lot of difficulty. And with all eyes on me it didn't help. Which made me shiver all the more and made me fight with my lungs for breathe I guess the breathless was kicking in "she's having an attack. Karan go run up to my room and get the pills on the bedside table cabinet." Di ordered karan and quickly came and wrapped me in a bear hug. "Its okay, calm down. I'm here for you" she cooed into my ear while hugging me and gently stroking my hair. I managed to hug her back. But not before my intestine decided that it was a great time for the undigested food to be thrown out. I pulled away quickly and ran to the closest room rushed into the bathroom and emptied all the contents of my stomach into the commode. I heard some hustle bustle before someone came from behind and held my hair while I continued to puke.
Why the fuck couldn't I stop puking. I didn't even eat that much in the whole day. Just a toast for breakfast and one naan and little vegetable for lunch.
Ughhhh I hate this anxiety!!

Finally the puking stopped but the not the breathlessness and shivering.

I managed to get up while the person behind me let go of my hair and walked out of the room. I still didn't know who it was though due to my eyes watering and blurred vision. Luckily I didn't get puke in there or any where else on me or the floor. I tied my hair into a messy bun before I washed my face and mouth. I quickly gargled with mouth wash and exited the washroom. I went out and the room was empty and there was compete silence even outside the door I got all the more agitated and felt like I was falling back into the attack. I managed to get up and walk out of the room still trembling and feeling breathless. Karan bhai and Isha di came to my aid at once. While Alisha di stood with my pills in her palm and a glass of cold water in another.
Isha di guided me towards the sofa and sat me down. Karan Bhai came from behind and was stroking my hair trying to confort me Alisha di handed me my medicine and the glass of water.

I quickly gulped it and looked down feeling extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. I guess Isha di saw my embarrassment and uncomfort and sat beside me and said, "there's nothing to be ashamed of it's okay if you had an anxiety attack no one's judging you over here we all are family. Don't worry beta." she said while gently rubbing circles on my arm. Rahul's face expressions definitely said otherwise. Looking at his facial expressions and his constant muttering and eye rolling I was getting more and more jittery and bhabhi noticed that," rahul go up to the room we all are here and we'll take good care of her." "Yea whatever" he muttered and walked off. Karan bhai was going to follow him in anger for being so rude but Isha di grabbed his hand pulled him back.
Bhabhi quickly changed the topic from me to the politics in the country and everyone got engrossed leaving me to my thoughts which I was so grateful for.
I can't belive how bad my anxiety has gotten from the first day I ever got it.

I still remember the day I got my first panic attack as clear as it were yesterday. It was 7 years ago.

Flash back

I was just in the 7th grade when I returned from school and there everyone was standing in the hall isha di, karan bhai and alisha di. I was worried did something serious happen? Did I mess up? Did my grades not turn out okay? Was there some bad news? I didn't see jiju. I was worried did something happen to him?

"Priya go freshen up and come down we need to talk to you about something." Alisha didi spoke calmly and in a sombre tone.
I nodded but still went on to ask, "can you atleast tell me a little bit about what js this about?"
"go change and freshen up and we'll talk peacefully." Alisha di re-eterared.
"but why can't you'll just tell me now instead of dragging it out." I whined.
"Stop arguing and do as your told, go freshen up" alisha di semi yelled. That's the loudest she's ever raised her voice. Alisha di was usually the calm one. Since she was the eldest none of us ever argued much with her as a result of our obedience we didn't have much friction and she never had to raise her voice. Hearing her raise her voice I got frightened and just ran up to my room and did what I was told.

I quickly freshened up and headed down to the hall.

"now can someone please tell me what the hell is going on over here." I
Yelled throwing a fit.

"Sit," Alisha di commanded.
"Isha has got addmitted into the Harvard business school to compete her masters in buisness administration so then she can join the buisness with me. She will be leaving within a week. For 2 years and then she'll work there for another year before she chooses weather she wants to join dad's buisness or work there."

Hearing these words that's when it happened for the first time.

I felt a gush of fear. Something so different and horrifying than normal nervousness. My heart was pounding as fast as it could. I felt as if it were going to pop out of my chest any minute. It felt as if someone had punched me in the lungs soo hard that I couldn't breathe. It felt as if someone was holding my head underwater not allowing me come up to breathe.
I felt dizzy. Everything went blur. I could barely see anyone. Just when I thought it couldn't get worse than this. I felt my stomach gurgle and then felt it felt all the food rising up to my throat. I finally managed to get my legs to work again and ran into the washroom and emptied everything into the commode.

And soon the darkness followed.