Every day I wake up tired, no matter how much sleep I get. No matter how many alarms go off, I can't seem to move immediately. There I lay in darkness with my thoughts as empty as my motivation. Until my room is illuminated by the light of my phone. Scrolling through videos and photos of other more successful and happy people. I scroll for so long I lose track of time, every day. I shower on the highest setting just to feel something. Warmth or pain on my skin. Anything. I turn with the grace of a rotisserie chicken warming every part possible. Clothes on. Shoes on. All relatively the same monochromatic tone. In the car it freezes with last night's frost, can't see the full shield. It never matters. Driving never feels right. Each ride is in a different position. Mirrors never fit, seats too close, chairs too far. Nothing is ever good enough, is it? Make it to class. What the point of it all. The class are opposite of my interests. Already kicked from a class one month in. I'm wasting everyone's time here. I just watch the class and slowly space out into the future. I never try to get there; I just see myself there. I avoid the work assigned. I drive back home and draw. I have homework to do; piled up continuously waiting to be done but all I can do I draw. Drawing would help calm me down but for how long. How long can I put off work? When will it catch up to me? When will I be kicked out of college? When will I wasted college loan money? When will I ultimately disappoint my mother again? I thought I was an adult. I thought I wouldn't be doing this shit anymore. Why? Why am I like this? I'm just a walking pity party while being my own downfall. I may have made a horrible decision. I just hate what I do. I hate what I am. I... Hate...me...*sigh*...work is in 15 minutes. I should leave for work now. I get back in the car and make my way to work. Waiting to right before 5 minutes and go in. Hang my bag, do my questions, clock in. Out of certain cups or certain ingredients. Something always missing or out. Customers asking for free things. Coworkers complain and nothing is done. No cashiers and you're all alone. Yet I still smile. A smile that is my new mask required for work. The beeping sound of the headset driving me insane. Time to close up. Everything is put away, wiped down or refilled. Manager clocks me out, I way goodbye with a smile and leave. The drive is blasted with radio music to drown out thoughts. Gets home to a dark sleeping house. You never realize you're alone until you're in the silent dark. Quietly walking in the dark to leave keys on the table for your parents, walks up to room and slides into bed. I pull out my phone and scroll through my phone. Videos and photos of friends too far to see enjoying life. Their amazing fulfilling life. As I feel tears of envy and loneliness roll down my face, I see my phone illuminating my room telling me I have 3 hours and 47 minutes until I have to wake up for the next day. It fine though, the tears give you the best sleep.
