The Girl With Stars In Her Eyes

But They Will Always Be There

Isabella took my hands and pulled them onto her waist as she leaned in to kiss me. Her lips elicited this feeling of home, love, and excitement all rolled in to one indescribable feeling. Our intimacy was abruptly shattered by a nurse nocking on the door telling us visiting hours were over and that Isabella needed to come down for diner. We walked out of the room hand-in-hand. I was happy that I got her back, but there was a thought at the back of my mind that bothered me: that this—all of this—is just not real. She walked with me to the elevator along with a nurse. We said a final goodbye and hugged, and then the nurse walked her back as the elevator doors closed.

When I arrived home, Mother scolded me for taking the car without permission, but when I told her why, she softened and apologized. I skipped diner, and I just blasted Sleeping w/ Sirens, blocking everything out. Blocking out the thoughts of my night with Fleur. Blocking out the thoughts of my night with Caleb. Blocking out my insecurities about Isabella and our relationship. Blocking out everything. My eyes welled with tears. Why do I keep crying? I hit my thigh hard. Idiot! My mothers voice cut through my self-loathing—and my music.
"Jaime!" She yelled from downstairs.
I turned the music lower.
"Yes!?"
"Caleb's here!"

Fuck! I strew myself on my bed and played dead. Shit, shit, shit. Caleb's loud footsteps echoed oppressively closer as he walked up the stairs. I pulled a pillow over my beet red face as he walked into my room. Go away. "Hi," he whispered quietly. I sat  up in my bed and removed the pillow, but I didn't look at him; I couldn't look at him. It's been a whole month, but it's only been a month. I haven't talked to him a month. I haven't talked to Fleur in a month. My whole life has been without a foundation for a month.

After a minute—a highly uncomfortable minute—he spoke again.  "I'm sorry," he whispered. No longer whispering, he said, "Jaime, look, I can't loose you as my best friend. I get why you haven't been talking to me, but why haven't you been talking to Fleur? She's really upset." I'm surprised she hasn't told him. I highly doubt he's told her either. "It's because of Isabella isn't it," he stated—it wasn't a question. "She's in the hospital, I know. And I know you're worried about her, but you're going to ditch your best friends for her? Your friends who, may I remind you, were there for you when she broke you. And I know it wasn't the right time at all for me to do something like tha—"
"There will never be a right time for that, Caleb," I snapped. The sternness in my own voice startled me. Anger, or perhaps disgust. It hurt him, I know, but right now, I don't care.

Caleb left and Sleeping with Sirens resumed defending my mind from thoughts of her. Of them. A thought pounded in my head. Maybe nothing is real, but right now, my current reality is this feeling: I am alone. The loneliness engulfed me like a house catching fire. Each wall burns; the ceiling collapses. You can put out the fire, but the damage is irreparable; it will never be the same house. Everyone I need is there for me, but I don't want that. I bring this loneliness upon myself and bask in the pain it brings me.

Nothing is real. So if I end my reality, nothing will end. Everything, that is nothing, will go on.

Somehow, I managed to get to sleep, to get away from my own thoughts. After eating breakfast, I visited Isabella. I guess my feelings were clearly being shown, or she just has an incredible affinity with me, because the first words out of her mouth were, "what's wrong, Jaime?"
"Nothing."
She stared at me with a look that said, "I know that's not true."
"Really!" I assured her.
She held her stare.
"Ugh okay. Caleb came over last night,"
"And?"
"Well," I really shouldn't tell you, "something happened a few weeks ago that I really can't tell you right now, but I promise everything is okay now."
"Why can't you tell me?" She was upset now.
"Not now, Bella."
"Whatever, Jaime. You should go."
"But—"
"You should go. Now."