CECILY

DISTANCE

DISTANCE

It was one of those days again.

One where I'd found myself wrapped up in Kyle's arms, my mind far from the world as his earthy smell enveloped my senses. I could stay like that forever. And the truth is, I wanted to stay like that, to have a life with him.

"You're asleep?" Kyle whispered into the air, his lips averting from the nape of my neck where they'd rested.

"Very much awake," I answered quietly, smiling as I opened my eyes. "You should stay the night; maybe we'll go another round." 

I danced my fingers on the line of his chest, tracing the lines of his physique. But his muscles tightened, and I could feel the disappointment in him as he pulled away. "That would be my cue to leave."

My heart sank. Less from the feeling of unwantedness and more from the feeling that I would never have what I truly wished for. Because the truth was, I could deal with Kyle. I could deal with his crazy, his issues, and the fact that half of his life was a secret. But what I couldn't bear was not getting my way.

Kyle nudged my shoulder. "Cecily? You're zoning out." 

But I wasn't. I was well aware that he was pushing himself away again. That his physical distance caused less pain than the emotional one I'd endured all this time. 

I smiled, propping myself up on one arm. "I'm not. I'm just trying to get figure out why you find it so hard to give me more."

Kyle chuckled, but the way he unwrapped himself from me left me feeling empty. "More? Of what? We have an agreement, Cecily. One that's been working, I assumed, but if you're getting on this line of questioning, it must be because you're not happy,"

I bit my lip. Anxiety crept through me, forcing away the false confidence I relied on to confront Kyle. 

"I didn't say I wasn't happy, Kyle," my lip trembled, and the sickness I felt that night came bursting in. "I'm just saying that we can do more together. Spend more time together. Talk more. Relax. . . more."

The smile on his face never reached his eyes. "This is what we agreed to. I'm leaving soon, anyway, so if you want to end things here, I'd be more than willing to oblige."

Oblige. He'd be more than willing to oblige? He'd be happy to give me whatever I wanted to keep things from getting complicated, but not what I'd actually want to be happy.

 I watched as he stood, pulling on his dark blue jeans over his Uncaged underwear. They were that big already, about to tour Asia while they were still in High School.  

Part of me had wished I'd been some hardass who had an affinity for music and that Kyle and I had fallen for each other one day while sitting in the garage after band practice.

That thought was brief, though. I could never stand being in the same room with Sonia, and along with my lack of musical ability, I hated the band's dynamics. They were too close, too friendly. Even Vincent. He was a loner, yeah, but even he fit right in, blended completely with Kyle and who he was. 

I always seemed wrong. Never fitting in no matter how much black I wore, how obvious I was in parading the halls with Kyle, and most importantly, how Kyle didn't bother to acknowledge me unless it was necessary. 

He was practically glued to everyone else, but it was convenience over care when it came to me.

I always did all the work. And true, that was our arrangement. But was it wrong for me to hate it? Was it wrong of me to wish that I had more from him, was more to him? Was it wrong that I wanted him to be consumed by me? That I wanted his every waking moment to be focused on me?

He wanted sex and lust and no strings attached, and in the beginning, maybe that's what I wanted too, but now, I wanted more. 

"If you're so willing to oblige, then come back to bed." I tried to laugh off his suggestion, but it came off desperate. Kyle hated desperate.

He scoffed, "Please, don't make a big fuss about me leaving now. You've known for weeks." 

I could see him pulling away. He was ready to run, cut me off and forget that I existed.

"You'll call. Send me pictures from concerts? Get good shots of some of the tourist sites? Cherry Blossoms should be blooming in a couple of weeks; you should get a lot of pictures. Just, you know, let me know what you're doing."

"Cecily, you really shouldn't beg."

Was I begging? Is this what begging sounded like? I guess it did. I'd heard it before, weaker specimens asking me for mercy in the hallways. My mother pleading with my father not to leave. Who would've thought that the Queen Bee would be going down this road?

I sat up, grabbing a handful of covers to keep myself from shaking. "I wasn't begging. I just want you to remember who you're leaving behind."

Kyle shrugged his jacket on and smiled. "I'm leaving a lot of people behind, Cecily. See you in a couple months."

"Wait, Months? You guys don't leave until Saturday- it's Wednesday!" The panic in my voice was tangible. I needed more time. More than this, at least. 

"We fly out on Friday, and there's a lot to be done before then." The emotion in his voice was gone. I was being too clingy. 

"You're gonna call before you leave right?" 

Kyle smiled. "Good night, Cecily."

I forced myself to smile back. "Safe flight."  

I kept listening until I heard the sound of the back door closing in the distance. Kyle was gone, and so was the sense of security I'd felt for the last year. 

Somewhere inside me, I felt something break. I wasn't strong at that moment, and I certainly wasn't brave, so I let it out. I screamed it out until I distanced myself from the memory and tried to think only of days to come. How I'd cope. How I'd wait. How I'd pretend to be okay when I finally heard his voice again. I just had to count the days.

PART ONE of my little look into Cecily- if you like it, please give a vote, leave a comment and remember to read Right In Front Of You by Wimbug