(Alex Rider Fanfiction) Floating in the Dark

Two

As soon as they returned, Nile took Alex to see Julia Rothman. She was in an office, talking quietly with Oliver D’Arc.  Both adults were very interested in Alex’s mission, and wanted to know everything about it.

 They asked questions, which Alex answered, in short, monotone sentences. It was like he wasn’t all there, which in truth, he wasn’t. His thoughts were far away, trapped in that single moment. . .

 “So you actually killed her,” Julia Rothman seemed to disbelieve it.

 “Yes.”

 “No problems?” Oliver D’Arc wanted to know. “Everything went smoothly?”

 “Yes.”

 “Good, Alex! Very good! I knew that you could do it, after all; we just needed to find you the right target. I’m very proud of you!”  

 Alex just looked dully at D’Arc, mind blank. The plump man peered sharply at him. “You seem quite exhausted, Alex. It’s not surprising after all - you did just do your first kill. Perhaps you should go to your room for a rest, all right?”

 “Yes.” Alex mechanically got to his feet, face expressionless. D’Arc beamed at him, while Rothman just seemed pensive. It was almost as if she couldn’t believe that Alex had actually shot Mrs. Jones.

 But he had.

 Nile was waiting outside the room, and cheerfully showed him the way, cheerfully chatting up a storm. “You know, my first kill was this old man. It was so easy; he was just sitting in this old chair in his house, with all of his grandkids on the floor around him. All I had to do was send a bullet right through the window, and straight into his head. It was great; and incredibly thrilling, you know? One second he was telling some old story to all those little children, and then pop -“ Nile pointed a finger at his own head - “He was dead. Easy as that.”

 Alex felt sick. It was a good thing that Nile finally stopped in front of a door, and gestured for Alex to go in.

 “There you go, Alex. Have a good rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 With that, Alex was left alone, standing outside his room. He went inside, and quietly closed the door behind him.

xxx

How many hours has it been?

 Three? Four? Ten?

 Doesn’t matter.

 They’ll never go away, now. They’ll never leave me alone. Never. . .

 Those eyes. . .that sharp sound. . .the cold, metal heaviness that sits in my hand. . .that small, perfect hole in her head. . .

 I’ll never forget.

 How much longer?

 How many hours are left to the night?

 . . .

 I can’t sleep.

xxx

“Good morning, Alex,” Dr. Steiner smiled, as Alex took a seat in the leather chair. “And how are you today?”

 Alex shrugged, staring at his hands as they lay limply on his lap. “Fine,” he mumbled. Then he yawned, a wide-open yawn that threatened to split his face in half. He blearily wiped his eyes with a hand.

 “Tired?” Steiner observed calmly.

 “I guess,” Alex quietly answered.

 “Hmm,” the psychiatrist leaned back in his chair on the other side of the desk. “I understand you successfully completed your first kill the other day. Mrs. Rothman wanted me to check on you, and see how you are coping. Taking someone’s life can be traumatizing, I’m sure, but one usually adapts after the third or fourth time.”

 Adapt? Alex thought bitterly. How? How can I adapt when a part of me just died? I shot her. I killed her, and I don’t feel a thing. . . . .I don’t have a heart anymore. It died with her.

 “Now, Alex,” Dr. Steiner went on, “I’m sure you remember these, right?” He held up a stack of cards. On each one was a black shape. It was the test he had just taken a few days ago, the Rorschach test. He had looked at the black blobs and told Steiner what he thought they looked like. 

“I guess,” he muttered.

 “Good. Then we’ll just run through a few of them, just to see if anything’s changed. Now. Tell me, Alex. What do you see?” Steiner held up a card. On it, was a spiky shape that reminded Alex of a -

 “Knife.”

 “Good, and this one?”

 “. . .a dog.”

 The psychiatrist held up another card. As Alex looked at it, he vaguely thought it was familiar. He had probably done this one before, just the other day. But. . .as he looked at it. . .

 “It’s a man,” he spoke quietly.

 “And?” Steiner prodded gently. Alex stared at the dark shape.

 “He’s floating. In the dark.. . .or space, I guess.”

 “Anything else?” Steiner seemed interested, making Alex feel uneasy.

 “Not really. . .”

 “All right,” The doctor shuffled through the cards, and held up another. “Last one. What do you see?”

 This one was familiar, too. Although Alex couldn’t remember what it had looked like then, he was quite certain it wasn’t what he saw now. He gave a tired shrug. “It’s a gun being held to someone’s head.”

 Dr. Steiner smiled. “Good, Alex. Very good.I suppose you’re hungry, aren’t you? You haven’t had breakfast yet, right?”

 “No.”

 “Then you may go. I think you’re just fine. Your mission hasn’t hindered you in any way. So go and have yourself a good meal, all right? “

 “Sure. . .” Alex got up, and left the office. That had been quite a short session, and he wasn’t even sure that they accomplished anything. But he wasn’t the psychiatrist. Steiner was. And in any case, he was certain that the man was wrong.

 Because he wasn’t fine.

 They might think so, but he knew the truth. Something was broken inside of him. He was far from fine.

 And he wasn’t hungry.

xxx

While Alex went to the cafeteria, Dr. Karl Steiner went to see Julia. He was quite sure she would be interested in the results. And she was.

 She smiled cunningly to herself, and started to think ahead to the future. MI6 didn’t quite realize what a valuable tool they had lost.  She didn’t pity them.

 Scorpia would have their special assassin, yet.