Dream

Flashing lights, impressively loud music, and dancing bodies were always first. The party atmosphere engulfed my apartment as hundreds of friends and strangers moved to the beat, surely experiencing the highlight of their week. The party had been in full bloom for a few hours now, but it was surely lasting until the sun rose from it’s grave. Then came the click of the front door unlocking, followed by the stopping of my heart.  My parent’s disinterested faces pushed their way through the mob until arriving at their destination, the office. They didn’t seem to care that their home was packed full with obnoxious teenagers. A small room that held two computers and dusty files of research  was the only place they ever went and the only place they ever cared about. I made the mistake of following. I asked them why they didn't care about me, why they didn't ground me, why I wasn't in trouble. They were my parents and I had just thrown the biggest party of the year, they were supposed to yell at me.  They ordered me to leave, breaking the month long silence between us. Next came my realization that the party was over. Only a few of my closest friends remained, standing awkwardly in the living room corner. Everyone had heard my outburst and nearly everyone was spilling out of the apartment doors. They cringed as I returned, avoiding eye contact and stifling giggles. Tears stained my cheeks and the hot glow of embarrassment illuminated my face. One by one they snuck out the door, either hoping I wouldn’t notice or making urgent excuses to leave. I was broken, never had I felt so alone. The people I thought were my friends didn’t care about me. They only liked me when I was their radiant sun, spreading happiness and ensuring a good time. As soon as my smile faded, so did they. And my parents, they didn't care at all. They never had and they never would. They didn’t care what I did as long as I didn’t get in their way. I sunk to the ground and sobbed, fearing abandonment and worthlessness, fears that would never leave me.

I was lying in bed when the memory came flooding back again. The city of Richmond, Virginia was asleep, but once again my mind was awake. I always thought of that night, the night that I opened my eyes. That memory provided me with proof that I was alone, the fear that never left my mind.

“Nobody cares about you, Clara,” I whispered out loud into the darkness of my room. My voice echoed in my head and I knew it was true. I was still popular at school, still surrounded by the same group of friends. I made no effort to leave, knowing that I needed their attachment. My relationship with my parents hadn’t changed, they continued to work non stop, forgetting I existed. I tossed and turned under the covers, letting my tears soak into the pillow as I recalled the events from earlier. I received my acceptance letter to my dream college, Stanford University  today. I pounded on their office door, the letter in my hand and pride in my heart. I didn’t get anything, but the sound of the door locking. I hadn’t expected my parents to shower me with compliments and hugs, but I  wanted some recognition. I glumly hung the paper on the fridge, next to my unseen aced tests and perfect  report cards. I was alone, with no one to care about me. I turned my damp pillow over and hoped sleep would come and find me. My mind needed a break from all the pain.

I blinked rapidly, trying to adjust to the sudden brightness that blinded me. I slowly sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Slowly, my vision began to return along with a shock. I was no longer tucked into my bed. I wasn’t even in my room and frankly, I had no idea where I was. I didn’t even remember falling asleep. The entire world was white, like a blank canvas waiting for drops of color. There was nothing in sight, just a vast, never ending realm.

“Where am I?” I wondered out loud, slowly pushing myself up to my feet. “How did I even get here?” I noticed I was still wearing my pajamas, a wrinkled summer camp shirt and plaid shorts. I smoothed down my ruffled hair, confused by why I was suddenly self conscious. No one would see me. I was completely alone. My heart beat sped up at the sudden realization. I was completely, completely alone. There was no way I was capable of surviving on my own. Was it even possible to survive? Maybe I was already dead. The thought of my death didn’t bother me as much as it should have. The blank landscape ignored all of my questions. I must be dead, that was the only explanation. Where else could I be? Thousands of thoughts scurried through my head, bumping into one another and getting tangled. I decided my best bet was exploring the land. There didn’t seem to be anything within miles, but I didn’t have a better idea.  I started walking.