Cullen pt 1

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Tw// suicidal ideation, suicide attempt

It's both a chillingly easy and dreadfully difficult decision to come to. Cullen mulls it out over the course of a day, running through everyone he can think of.

Over breakfast are the easiest decisions. Josephine and Leliana are too close to the inquisitor, and neither would be willing. Leliana might, she'd be good for it too and would make a nice even match, but getting her alone would be impossible. There's always someone watching her. Cassandra makes herself heard where they are in the war room long enough for him to rule her out as well. At first he thinks she'd be perfect for it, but that's quickly squashed when he realizes she's too fond of him. Not that she likes him, no not very much at all, but she knows his worth. She won't let anything bad happen to anyone and that means his help.

So Cullen takes to his duties for the day and runs through the list of everyone he sees. Some of them are easy to write off; Sera is on thin ice as it is and Cole would know long before he even approached the idea. Cole is on a mission with the inquisitor now as it is, Cullen couldn't stand to risk the spirit boy prying into his thoughts on this. They're out with Varric and Solas, hunting down some rebel templar group or something to do with the somehow never ending red lyrium.

It's harder to write off Solas than he'd expect. If pushed the man would surely be capable, willing even. But then Cullen tries to think of what circumstances would be necessary to do that and gives himself a headache. Solas would be good, yes, if he wanted to wait a month of tactical planning to do it. That kind of time isn't at his fingertips though so Solas is brushed aside. Varric is off the table much quicker only because he couldn't truly lose a fight to the man. He's talented and deft and strong, but not stronger than him. And without weapons? Varric would go down too easily, loathe as he is to admit.

During training he briefly entertains the idea of one of the soldiers but the idea is just as quickly shut down. None of his men would be capable. An unfortunate truth but a truth all the same. The Chargers perhaps? Cremisius was talented, perhaps not enough but he could play his hand. It would be believable. Except the Chargers were for hire and letting Cremisus do that would surely put them out of business. Cullen has no intention of putting the entire lot without coin in their pocket. What had seemed a brilliant idea was squashed just as quickly.

From there it's a tad harder. He thinks of the mages, Vivienne first. She was capable, and smart. Maybe too smart. Cullen rolls that one around in his mind for a while, twisting the circumstances this way and that to see what would work. It would have to be weapons, but then, he's not sure he could get her to use them. Perhaps she wouldn't need them? It's easy enough to believe as well, the woman is loathsome. Would be believable if not for his past. Specifically his decision to change it. Cullen can see it in his mind anyway. Her brilliance taking it on, piecing apart the situation in her mind, tactfully using what's at her disposal to turn it all in her favor. Afterwards she'd have no trouble warning of the dangers of mages without templars, even with rogue templars all the same.

It would be an easy one to lose, he'd have a good excuse, and Vivienne would be no worse for wear on the matter. She goes on his list as a maybe for later.

As he makes that mental note he runs into Blackwall. Blackwall who is an even match and a cunning fighter. He'd be confused, sure, but in the heat of the moment, with enough flair, he could pull it off. Cullen tries to picture it, finding the man in his barn. It's then that he realizes it can't be Blackwall. He's almost mad at himself for even considering it. The man couldn't take it, take the weight of that on his conscience. And what would the others think, already so wary of him after what they'd learned. Blackwall was perfect in body and in spirit but in mind he'd crumble. Cullen couldn't do that to him.

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