lavenders (wlw oneshots)

Don't Ask, Don't Tell

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Yellow - Coldplay

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I couldn't go to sleep. Again. I honestly wonder why I even try.

Sighing, I slipped out of bed and quietly left my room. Taking care to avoid the navy on night guard duty, I padded across the wooden boards as I made my way to our secret little rendezvous spot, a ledge on the ship overlooking the ocean.

It was a serene calm night. The waves lapped rhythmically against the ship. The gentle sea breeze carried a scent of longing. The seemingly endless dark ocean stretched on forever. The pinpricks of light formed constellations as they shone incandescently against the dark backdrop of the night sky.

I curled my knees against my chest as I tucked a strand of my long ash-brown hair behind my ear. A few moments later, I felt a warm blanket drape over my shoulders as a familiar figure slipped in next to me. I buried my head into the crook of her neck, feeling her strong arms pull me close to her. Reyna.

It intrigues me, how the night sky is always the same no matter where one is. How its blanket of darkness is so ever consuming yet so familiar. How its constellation of stars will always be there to guide one home.

Every sleepless night, the stars would guide me home. Reyna is my home. Home is where you can be yourself, home is where you feel warm and protected, home is where you feel loved. Home smells familiar and comforting, home sounds like a promise, home never lets you down. I found my home in Reyna.

With her, we'd both forget about the world we lived in, even if only for a few hours. Forget that we had to hide who we were and who we loved. Forget the exhaustion of a hard day at work. Forget the trauma of seeing too many unspeakable things. With both our arms protecting each other, at the moment, it was all enough.

These nights we shared were sacred. Some nights we'd spend talking softly, sharing our deepest thoughts and feelings; some nights not at all, sharing an intimate silence only the two of us could understand.

Some nights, there were tears, shaking uncontrollably with anxiety and anger; some nights there were laughs, reminiscing on small beautiful moments.

Some nights, we'd share soft kisses, loving how her touch set me on fire; some nights, we'd end up in heated sessions of passionate desperation, faces flushed, back arched, thighs wet.

Whatever happened, I loved every moment, and I knew I loved the girl sitting beside me.

Tonight was one of those nights where we just sat in silence, enjoying each other's presence. Although we hadn't had the chance to meet up for a week, we didn't need words to express how we felt. I could hear her steady heartbeat as I lay against her. The rhythm comforted me, as I finally allowed myself to relax and let my thoughts wander back to when we met.

Reyna and I met during our days in navy training. The training was brutal, and we found a friend in each other. Together we endured everything they threw at us. On the running track side by side, heart-pounding, muscles aching. On the shooting range, ears ringing, adrenaline rushing. In the pool, arms pumping, lungs screaming.

Together, we pushed each other on and encouraged each other. If I was exhausted or stressed or scared, I knew I would always have my best friend's shoulder to cry on, and that she would listen to me no matter what.

Yet I could never escape the flutter in my chest whenever her hazel eyes met my grey ones from across the hall, the uncontrollable desire to capture her beautiful lips in mine, the crimson blush in my cheeks whenever she changed in front of me, her toned, tanned half-naked body an absolute work of art.

It wasn't until hell week and we shared our first kiss that we realized both of us had feelings for each other.

That day, I was already exhausted mentally and physically, having pushed myself beyond human limits. On top of that, we had to stay in a freezing lake until dawn as part of our mental conditioning training. A few hours in and I was ready to give up. Ready to throw away all the torture I had endured for months in a fleeting moment of desperation.

As a shaky whimper escaped my lips, I felt her arms snaking around my waist as she held me with whatever warmth she had left. Yes, the water still was deathly cold, but her small action filled my body with warmth. Moments later, she leaned in kissed me gently on the lips, pulling away quickly before anyone could notice. "You got this babe. Like it or not your doing this with me" she murmured. My mind went blank in that moment, eyes staring at her bow-shaped lips with lust. Yes, the water still was deathly cold, but her small kiss set my body ablaze.

Hours later, once the exercise was over and we had dried up, Reyna and I snuck into an old closet and shared a long passionate kiss. Our lips molded together perfectly as our shy but curious tongues roamed each other's mouths. Her lips soon wandered to my neck, leaving behind a trail of wet kisses. My hands were tangled in her short caramel hair as she sucked on my pulse point, eliciting a soft moan from me. In that moment, we confessed our love for each other wordlessly and we started dating soon after.

However, no matter how many strides the world took towards equality and acceptance, the navy was still stuck in its ways, reeking of sexism and homophobia. It was a law that anyone in a homosexual relationship would be barred from serving in the military. We had seen some of our comrades outed against their will, subject to humiliation, and subsequently kicked out of the military. It was blatantly wrong and unfair, yet what could we do about it? We could only bow our heads silently, don't ask, don't tell.

Reyna and I couldn't openly love each other, forced to hide in the literal and figurative closet. It took a toll on us, constantly living in fear of being found out. Having to lie and act indifferent towards each other in public. Sneaking into old closets just to see each other. Missing each other for days on end just so we didn't arouse suspicion.

There certainly were times when we almost broke up due to the stress of this secrecy on top of an already mentally draining, at times traumatizing career. But we knew what we had was special, and I knew I'd be stupid to ever let her slip away.

I loved this girl, and I'd endure all this for her, just like I knew she would for me.

Reyna's hand drawing circles on my thighs drew me out of my thoughts.

"I love you," she whispered in my ear.

"I love you too," I hummed back.

I snuggled closer to her as she began humming an old sea shanty. With her soft voice, the gentle breeze, and the rocking of the waves, my eyelids began to grow heavy. I felt safe, knowing her arms would guard me against all my nightmares. Moments later, exhaustion overtook my body and I fell asleep peacefully, for the first time in a week.

Little did I know, after Reyna had carefully carried me back to my bed, she kissed my forehead sadly, knowing all too well that when morning came, we would have to return to being Marines, crewmates, comrades, allies, friends... anything but lovers.