The Words I never Say

My entire life I've been compliant. Quiet and likable.

I've done things for others when I have little left for myself.

My heart has been shattered into broken pieces that are no longer fitting back together.

My body feels tense and rigid as if it is freezing from the inside out. 

The sickness that invades my body is a direct result to my emotional distress and hurt.

Partially I am to blame for being the kind person who always tries to do the right thing.

But the rest of it is your fault. It is your fault that you took my voice away.

It is your acceptance of me as quiet as I was and not instilling someone strong and brave.

It is your fault for not teaching me how to be vocal and heard despite how others felt.

I was raised to do as I was told. To be who I was told. To agree so I did not disrupt the peace.

Someone forgot to mention what all that would mean when I got older. Unable to communicate my emotions without yelling and crying.

Always holding all of my feelings back and never speaking how I feel so I do not hurt someone else.

You have taught me to be an actress and a people pleaser because it was easier for you.

As soon as I realized I had a voice and that I could speak up for myself that is when the tides shifted in your world.

That is when our relationship became chaotic, messy, and uncomfortable.

The moment I grew up, suffered the trauma, and decided to stop living that way was the moment I realized that you did not know how to love me this way.

You do not know how to love me this way. 

But I do.