A World Without You...

            "Why'd you do it?" Joker's voice comes from the doorway, cracking with emotion.

Shepard's body tenses. She's sitting on the bed, arms braced against her knees, head in hand. Her body aches after all it had been through in the last few days. Dead, a coma, medically forced awake.. and now here. Back on the Normandy. In her captain's quarters, everything the same down to the exact thread count over the thin mattress. She slowly raises her head to look at him.

Joker's beard had grown in a bit more since the last time she saw him. He'd filled out a bit more, more muscled in the arms and legs. She noted that he still walked with the limp as he walked into the room, prepping a hip against the edge of her desk. He crosses his arms, the muscles corded and thick, and Shepard blinks quickly.

Hot damn. He'd really bulked up.

"Why did I want, Joker?" she asks, her voice soft, lacking her usual conviction.

"Why did you what?!" Joker repeats, his voice an entire octave higher than normal. "You know exactly what, Shepard!"

"Joker, I-"

"You left, Commander!"

His voice broke, and Shepard frowned. He swipes away rogue tears that trickle down his cheek and her heart shatters. She jumps to her feet, clenching her teeth when her legs threaten to give out from beneath her at the unexpected motion. Pushing through it she takes the few steps to stand before him. He grits his teeth and looks to the left, suddenly very interested in a picture hung up on her wall.

"I saved you, Joker," she replies vehemently, silently urging him to look back at her. To meet her gaze. She desperately wanted to look into his eyes, see what inner turmoil he was struggling with. "I could not leave you behind!"

"You died!" Joker shouts, his words bouncing off the walls of the close quarters. Shepard shrinks back slightly, taken aback at his actions. "You died, Commander! You drug me from that pilot's chair and threw me in that escape pod and you just-"

His head whips around and his pale eyes meeting hers. She almost gasps as she sees the pain he's wrestling with. She reaches out a shaky hand to press against his cheek. His skin is warm to her touch, the hair on his chin tickling her palms. For a brief moment he leans into the touch, eyes fluttering closed on a deep breath – but as quick as the moment began, it was over. Eyelids snapped open, those hauntingly beautiful blue eyes filled with so much pain and turmoil.

"You died," he whispers, gaze boring into hers. "You saved me. You came and found me. Put me in that damn rescue pod. And then you died."

"I wasn't going to let you go down with the ship," Shepard whispered, her gaze dropping to the floor. "I wouldn't let you die, Joker. I couldn't!"

"It wasn't your choice to make!" he roars, and she flinches.

"I couldn't live with myself if I'd survived and you hadn't, Joker," she whispers back, her heart aching. "I've lost too many people already. I couldn't just-"

"We heard you," he interjects, his hands coming up to wrap around her biceps. "The coms didn't stop. The whole time... we heard you. The sounds of you suffocating.. Shepard it gutted us. All of us."

Shepard's eyes widen before they snap to look into his. She hadn't heard anything about the coms being on. Had had no idea that the team heard her as she- She swallows thickly, hating how the knowledge settles deep within her gut.

"I didn't... Joker, I didn't know."

Her voice sounds rough and weak, and she hates it. She clears her throat before attempting to roll her shoulders in a desperate attempt to shake some sense back into herself, only to be stopped by his iron grip on her arms. A quick glance is spared and she smiles slightly at seeing his tanned skin against hers, contrasting the pale expanse of her flesh.

"I sat in that escape pod and- God damnit, Shepard! I was stuck in that escape pod and watched you die. I heard it. I saw it. I beat against the door until my hands bled, you know? All bruised and battered and useless. And I watched you die." He takes a deep, shuddering breath. "And then I had to live without you. Every day, every damned breath, and deep down every god damned day, I thought of you."

His hands drop from their place on her arms, and she immediately misses the warmth. She wraps her arms around herself, desperately trying to hold herself together. She had refused to leave Joker behind. Hadn't wanted to live in a world without his sarcasm and sass, the thought of living without seeing the mischievous glint in his eyes had gutted her.

And she'd done the exact thing to him at the very end. She'd done that exact thing to all her friends. The knowledge sunk into her psyche like an anchor slips into the sea. A strangled sound slips from her lips. Faintly, she heard him call out her name, sounding far away. Her vision begins to blur and her pulse beats wildly at the base of her throat.

"Shepard!" Joker repeats, his eyes roaming over her face. "Shepard what's going on?"

Her breath came in desperate pants. Her gaze meets his, eyes wide and vacant. He grips her arms again, giving her a slight shake, and frowns when she doesn't react. He gently wraps his hands along the side of her throat, thumb flittering across her pulse point. Frowning, he sweeps his other thumb along her jaw, the frown deepening even further when she doesn't react.

"Shepard," he whispers, moving directly into her line of view. "Shepard tell me what to do. How do I help?"

She shakes her head, her bearings coming back to her. She feels his warm hands against her skin, sees his beautiful blue eyes staring into hers, and she throws her arms around his neck. A surprise grunt is all that she hears before she crashes her lips to his. For the first few moments, he stands stock still, shock radiating throughout his body as her lips slant over his. Then, as if he finally realizes what happened, he wraps his arms around her, crushing her body against his, ignoring the brief flare of pain. She moans, deepening the kiss, and almost loses herself entirely when she feels him smirk against her lips.

She goes to pull away from the kiss and is surprised when he growls softly and pulls her back against him once again. He licks along the seam of her lips, asking for her to open. She does, moaning once again when his tongue slips into her mouth, his tongue warring against hers. He walks her backwards until she bumps into the desk. Another growl tears from his throat as he lifts her onto the desk, her legs wrapping around his hips immediately.

He grips her hips in his hands as he angles the kiss again. Her fingers spear themselves underneath his hat and through his hair, neither of them giving a damn when the hat hit the floor. He bites her bottom lip, gently tugging at it briefly, before he slows the intensity of the kiss. When they pull away from each other, their chests heave as the struggle to control their breathing.

"That was- I mean..." Joker stutters, a dopey grin spread across his face. "Wow. That was wow."

Shepard chuckles as she gently places a hand against his chest, giving it a little push. He takes two steps back as she hops off the desk, her body pressing against his. She smiles as his hands slither around her waist once again, holding her to him. She looks into his eyes and everything clicks.

She didn't want to live without his smile and his jokes. She didn't want to live without the possibility of this happening. She hadn't wanted to live without him.

"That certainly was wow," she whispers, sliding her arms along his shoulders. "It was wow and it was... perfect."

"Perfect, huh?"

She groans. "That's going straight to your head, isn't it?"

He wiggles his eyebrows suggestively. "It's certainly going to at least one head."