F I R S T T I M E S

I Remember

I don't remember the pain
but
I remember how crushed I was,
how I couldn't stop crying,
how I couldn't breathe.

The moment I finally felt my heart
being broken in two,
the following days just existing,
not eating, not drinking.
Just no energy at all
just existing.

The flashbacks of the last conversation
Of the breakup
Of our relationship,
Of our dreams
Of our future,
Turning into nothingness.

I remember how I said
"I don't ever want to love again"
Why?
Because of the pain it comes with it,
The memories you try hard to forget,
The feelings you had for that specific someone
That you now won't ever be able to express anymore.

I remember the process it took me to accept what had happened,
The situation I now was in,
The fact that so many things would change
And that I won't ever be the same again.

I remember the nights I cried myself to sleep
After the breakup
Before the breakup,
But now it seems so far away.
The pain.
Just the memories and the 'what ifs'
That keep me up at night,
Making me feel nostalgic
Frustrated
Angry
Sad
Betrayed
Left alone
Empty.

I remember the person I used to be
The person I was when I was with him
The person who always had a smile on their face
The person who truly and honestly loved him
The person who was happy for the first time in a while.
I remember the person that I want to be again so bad,
But can't anymore.
I remember that I can't be that person again,
That I will never be that person again.
Ever.