The Ultimate Mask He Wears

every moment is a fresh beginning

If someone makes you so mad, take a deep breath, count to ten and kill him immediately.

Yook Dongsik was the name the police officers called him when he woke up, but nothing in its syllables evoked familiarity in him. Come to think of it, he didn't feel much of anything since opening his eyes. When the doctor explained his current condition, retrograde amnesia, caused by an abrupt intimacy with a police car, he expected to be anxious for having no recollection of who he was. Yet, he only had calm acceptance in the face of his new reality.

Idly, Dongsik wondered if he was depressed. A quick self-reflection made him highly aware of the fact that he felt empty inside. Was that something that came with the loss of memories? Moreover, he wondered what he’d been doing alone near a construction site at ten in the evening. Officer Shim said that he came out of nowhere, running across the street at breakneck speed that collision was unavoidable. Dongsik had analyzed her body language, the subtle fluttering of her eyelashes, and quickly caught the lie. Such automatic silent scrutiny had him wondering what kind of work he did for a living.

Why would she lie about Dongsik running in front of the police car? Unless it was them that ran him over. If that was the case, it would be his right to press charges. Dongsik kept his observations to himself, rationalizing that the information was of no use to him anyway until he got his memories back. Did he just actually think of blackmailing police officers?

What did that say about him?

He only had a wallet on his person when he was discharged, not even a phone to help him get a better understanding of who he was before the accident. It must have slipped out of his pocket. His contact list, messages, search history, and the like would’ve been helpful in reintroducing him to his routine. At least he knew for sure he had a sister with the phone call Officer Shim made, someone who didn't seem to really care much that he hurt himself. But what about the rest of his family? How about a girlfriend? Boyfriend? Seated in the backseat of the police car, the absence of his memories eventually irritated Dongsik. It would seem he did not like being confused. It gave him the impression that he must be a guy who made sure that he was, as much as possible, situationally in control. 

He watched the buildings blur past, mood growing heavier with every landmark that he didn't recognize, fingers on his uncasted hand flexing every so often as if he wanted to squeeze, break or stab something. 

Dongsik didn’t feel helpless or uneasy or fearful with his current predicament. Instead, he felt annoyed, aggravated. 

Angry.

Had he always been so easily vexed?

“We’re here Dongsik-ssi.”

Dongsik blinks and acknowledges the nod Officer Shim and Heo gives him through the front view mirror. His lips split into an awkward smile, head ducking low and fidgeting, shoulders slumping as he fumbles out of the car. Officer Shim tells him that she'll accompany him to his floor. He tries to reject her offer but couldn't do anything in the face of her cheery manhandling.

It makes him feel like a pushover.

Dongsik soon realizes that there's a delay or disconnect between what he thinks and feels to how he acts when he's around people. Is this his body remembering? Is it subconsciously trying to project a specific image without his memories? But why?

The elevator ride up to his floor is short. Dongsik's grateful that Officer Shim isn't making any attempt at small talk. Once they arrive at his unit, it becomes increasingly obvious that the passcode, which Dongsik doesn't remember, needs to be reset.

Dongsik waits as Officer Shim takes lead of the situation and soon a maintenance guy in blue coveralls arrive. It takes less than five minutes to get his passcode changed. The man bids them his farewell. Dongsik thanks him as Officer Shim hands over a few dollar bills that he pretends not to see, curious gaze darting inside the small space as soon as he has the front door open instead.