Klaine One-Shots

The Dangers of Self-Medicating (Rated PG13)

Summary:

Kurt gets sick on a business trip, and everything he does just to get home makes it worse.

Notes:

So, I have been feeling a little blue and entirely unmotivated, so I started editing some old work and came across this one. It's the first thing I've laughed at in a couple of days, so I re-wrote it for Klaine (just in case it looks familiar, now you know).

***

"Sir?"

"Mmmrrr ... hmmm?"

"Sir? We're here."

"Here?" Kurt's eyelids flutter slightly, opening a sliver. But when the mid-morning sun hits their dry, red surface, he immediately shuts them again. "Where's here?"

"15-22 Mulberry Place? It's the address you gave me."

"The address I ... wha---?" Kurt pries open his eyes. The address sounds familiar, but the voice speaking to him doesn't. There's a lot of mud and fog cluttering his brain. The last thing he remembers is being in his hotel room, packing his bag. No, it was losing his breakfast, and lunch and dinner from the day before, in an airport toilet. No, no, it was waiting by the curb, clutching on to the handle of his carry-on for support while he waited for his Uber to arrive.

Uber! He's in an Uber! Which means he must be ...

"Home?" he says in a raw, grumbly voice.

"I guess." The man puts his car into park. "Do you need any help with your bag?"

"Nah." Kurt grabs the handle of the bag he's been cuddling awkwardly since he fell asleep in this poor man's back seat. At least he didn't vomit in his car. As far as Kurt can remember, he's baptized nearly every toilet and trash can from the airport, to Manhattan, to home. "I've got it." I'll just pour myself onto the pavement and slither up to my front door, he thinks. "Here ..." Kurt fumbles a hand into his pocket and pulls out his wallet. Squinting, he fishes out three tens and clumsily hands them to the driver. "Thanks for everything."

"Good luck," the driver says, mentally snickering at the intoxicated man doing his best to exit his Prius. Ten sheets to the wind at barely eleven in the morning?

Well, it's five o'clock somewhere.

Kurt backs out of the car butt-first, searching for the ground with his feet to make absolutely certain that it's there. Once they make contact, he extricates the rest of his body, his Samsonite bag landing on the curb with a thunk when his arms fail to support its weight. It takes him longer to stand up straight, the compact blue Toyota gone before Kurt gets his head balanced on his shoulders.

He blinks his eyes and looks around, wondering why his husband isn't there to meet him at the curb. Blaine and Tracy drove him to the airport, but he took an Uber home. And thank God he did. There's no parking anywhere on the street this morning. Of course, he lives here and, hence, has a driveway to pull in to, but still. Strange, but Kurt doesn't have the brain capacity to speculate about that just now.

Kurt has been traveling for most of the morning, voluntarily switching flights twice when a technical malfunction bumped travelers off their plane. He went from first class to coach, then back to first class again. He misses his family, but he came out of the deal with two travel vouchers, a slew of frequent flier miles, and a thousand dollar refund back to his credit card.

Not too shabby for a Sunday afternoon.

He's a stone's throw from home, but the way he's feeling, it might take him the rest of the afternoon to get there.