_The tales of the jester_

((The orange pills that mock me))

Tw//pills, attempt su!c!de ,pills ,vom!et ,mention of manipulation.

It felt like a forever lasting weekend that just wouldn't seem to end, the clocked seemed to mock me as I was laying in bed  feeling lifeless and drained. The night before i had been crying, a common thing for me. and i felt horrible but not in a sick way more of.... a useless way.

as i cried I suddenly remembered the two bottles of pain killers in the kitten, after crying I stated walking off to the kitchen But instantly froze when I saw my family in the living room witch was directly connected to the kitchen. i had completely forgot my family had their other kids over as i turned back and flopped onto my bed in annoyance. "Ughhhh...I forgot their here for the weekend...." I thought to myself. I sighed as I was tired and annoyed stuck in my own thoughts, "...you know what I'll just do it tomorrow! they'll be gone and grandma won't notic! just like she always dose..." i thought to myself as I turned off the tv and pulled the covers over me as i soon closed my eyes. soon enough I had drifted off into a stiff slumber.

The next day was blurry, I couldn't  remember anything except for the events in afternoon, "[name" TIME FOR BED" my grandma yelled from her room.

I simply responded with a- "OK GIVE ME A SEC" whilst beginning to walk to the kitchen, my other family had left the during the day and the living room and kitchen was now free as i walked into the kitchen looking into the dimply lit room, the only things givng it light being the yellow light from above the oven and the lamps from the living room.

"...There's no one here no one to get in my way! or even try to stop me now..." I thought to myself as i walked to where i had seen the 2 bottles of pain killers.

as I looked at the bottles i then noticed when they expire, and I found that the orange one was expired already as the red and blue pilled were still good for another year! so in my logic the one I grabbed the orange one due to thinking I had a higher chance of d!ying then. I then hid the bottle in my hand and behind my back as i  walked to my room, wishing my grandparents goodnight and closing the door behind me.

After I closed the door I then realized i didnt plan for my drink as i looked to see what was on my table praying i had at least ONE this to do the job....... i have, a full water bottle, half a soda, and half full water bottle?.

"wait why the hell do I have even ONE bottle..... I DONT EVEN DRINK WATER LIKE- AT ALL!?" I thought in confusion but I soon snapped myself out of it due to the fact i had more important matter to attended to. The Pills.

Not long after I grabbed the soda can and got a small hand full of the orange pills in my hand,I threw some in my mouth and took a sip of soda, and got some more pills and took a sip again. This went on till the bottle was completely empty, no pill remained.

One I saw I had no pills left I sat on my bed...I sat thinking about the taste and smell of the pills.

They smelled like rubber and tasted like it too, I thought about how another girl did the same but as soon as she finished the bottle she ran to her family and cried for help and she realized she didn't wanna d!e......I sat thinking about her....her fear....her will to live for her family.....the way she described it seemed fearful , like she FELT she did something wrong ,like she feared the outcome of...

...The outcome of death..

I sat there thinking about.....why I wasn't sad....why didn't I fear.....why I didn't care about the outcome, I had already stoped caring what my family thought or felt thanks to manipulation from them, but I didn't fear it I didn't want to run to them saying how I'm sorry and how I made the wrong choice.I didn't want their pity!!

After a bit of thinking I realized what I was feeling.

I wasn't sad.....not fearful.....but at peace in a sense....maybe even exited about what was going to happen to me 

Will I wake  in a hospital bed alone in a room

Or will I wake up in the afterlife for the gods to decide my eternal resting place...if any.

After I laid my head I just watched YouTube until I started to get tired, but it was early for me so I waited for a while, but soon I was too tired to even care so I got under the covers knowing that i may not wake up, but when I put my head down on that pillow I felt I something knew but don't feel often. a feeling that's almost a stranger to me, a....

...peaceful rest...

Later that night I was somewhat awake some point but my eyes were still closed but I felt something in my mouth , it was a liquid or even a foam like substance, I felt it put don't remember inhaling,but soon enough I had drifted back into slumber.

But then I woke up some time later completely forgetting last night, but as I woke up more I saw I soaked my clothes and saw vom!et of white and orange ,I looked at the messy vom!et bed in panic as a million thoughts ran through my head faster then ever before.

[what did i do why am I'm still alive it didn't work why Why why why no no no no]

But soon I remembered something more worrisome, grandma. I got out of the bed and went to her room, she was sleeping peacefully I felt bad  waking her up but I had no choice. I walked to the edge of the bed and shook her foot hoping I don't have to get to close. When she woke she was surprised when she saw me, I told her how I had thrown up and such but didn't tell her why I threw up.or what I did.

The rest of the day was a wired Monday I couldn't do much cause every 10 minutes  or so I would get a wave of sickness and I would have to force myself to vom!et cause if I didn't I couldn't breath but thankfully the waves stoped after 2 hours or so, my grandma came to the conclusion that I just over ate even tho we only owned one other thing that is that color witch was Fanta.( WHO THE HELL EATS A BUT TON AND THEN VOM!ETS ONE OF THE MOST UNNATURAL COLORS) 

it was stupid but I didn't want her to find out what I did cause anytime I hurt myself my own words would always seem to get twisted to make me sound like I'm just being dramatic, so I gave up on trying to ask my family for mental help after awhile,I never got taken to the doctor  and she still thinks cause I over ate, and what sucks is I did this I did this 19 days before my bday.(aka Christmas Eve)

[[That's for reading and yes this true comment questions if so and feel free to follow for more stories about my life, heck you can comment your story and I'll put it here so your voice will be heard to those who see this]]

By {blueshroom_blue}

 X]