Storm // Matty Healy ♣ The 1975

1. perfect

// "Some days you just have to say 'fuck it, I did what I could today' and just let go of all the stuff you wanted to do. Life is too short to be angry with yourself for being human." —Constantine Spiritworker //

Matty was still asleep, he had been sleeping more recently. I would say it was the only time he wasn't haunted by himself, but I knew about the nightmares, even thought he never mentioned them. 

Small things made them apparent, like his eyes twitching, hands shaking, sometimes he spoke in his sleep. I didn't want to tell him, though, he would probably get even more paranoid. 

I brought the cigarette down to my lips and took a long drag as I stared up at the ceiling. Never had I felt closer to death. 

The heat was unbearable, outside and in, and it was only May. 

I glanced over at Matty and sighed, reaching the ashtray on my side of the bed and tapping the cigarette gently. 

"Mum..." Matty whimpered. I looked at him, even with his eyes closed I could see how  upset he was. I didn't know what was going on, but I could tell it wasn't good. 

I was about to wake him up, but he seemed to return to normal, whatever 'normal' was. 

I let my mind travel back to the night before as I stared up at the ceiling again, feeling my fist bunch up. 

"Matty..." I had exhaled as he came back up to look me in the eyes, grinning happily. 

"Good?" He asked. I nodded breathlessly. 

"Amazing..." I mumbled, still calming myself down. 

He stared at the bed sheets and frowned. 

"Matty?" I asked, watching his eyes dull over. 

"Don't lie to me." He whispered. 

"But I'm not-" 

"Don't lie to me!" He shouted, making my forehead crease into a harsh glare aimed at him. I sighed quietly, getting up off the bed and grabbing my clothes from the floor where they had been discarded earlier that night. 

I pulled my pants up my legs and pulled my short white sundress over my head, then I sat down on the side of the bed and looked at him. 

"It was shit, wasn't it?" He frowned. 

"No Matty, it wasn't shit." I snapped.

"Then why did you get dressed again?" He fired back. 

"Because you were being stupid." 

"It's not like I can help it!" 

"Well, going to the therapy sessions I booked you might help. I'm not going to have any pity for someone who doesn't want to get better."

"Of course I want to get better!"

"Then go to your therapy." 

"No!" 

"Why not?" 

"Because it's stupid." 

I had sighed and dragged my hands through my hair. 

"But I don't like seeing you like this." I whispered. Matty just shook his head. 

"No, you don't like me like this." He winced and shut his eyes. 

Within five minutes our clothes were off again but we were both more tired of each other than ever before.

I sighed and looked at him again. 

Why was this such a big deal? Surely something like this was supposed to make relationships stronger. Everyone was telling me that, at least.

My phone buzzed next to me, I sighed, lifted it up, read my dad's name and pressed ignore.

He had been ruthlessly calling my phone and our landline over and over again for the pas week, trying to find out what I wanted for my birthday, but I kept ignoring him. I felt bad but I couldn't deal with that at that very moment. 

"Who was that?" Matty asked groggily, his sleepy-post-sex voice sinking in. 

"My dad." I mumbled, leaning into his shoulder. 

"You need to call him back at some point, you know." He said as he ran his fingertips down my arm. I sighed and nodded. 

"I'm just really scared that he'll ask us to go up there for my birthday." I admitted. 

"Will he?" 

"Probably." 

"And if he does, will we?" 

I sighed. 

"As much as it pains me to say it, probably." 

"Why?" He asked. I sighed. 

"Well he said Margaret is visiting her sister in Exeter for the week, so really there's no reason why we should say no, in his mind at least."

He didn't question me anymore, even though he wanted to, I could tell. 

The truth was, I found it hard, letting go of people in my life. I always managed to make myself feel guilty about it. I wouldn't be able to live knowing I completely shut someone out, no matter what they had done to me. It was incredibly unhealthy. 

Matty sighed and shook his head. 

"I'm sorry you have to deal with all of this." He mumbled, studying my face with great interest and curiousity.

"S' Not your fault." I reached down and took his rough hand in mine, playing around with his fingers gently.

"No, but I could have made it easier for you." He said. I shook my head. 

"You couldn't."  

I turned around and pushed my nose into the crook if his neck. He intertwined our fingers and stroked up and down my lower back gently, sending shivers up my spine. 

I looked down, catching a glimpse of my tattoo on the side of my ribcage and I couldn't stop the smile that crept onto my face at the thought of it. 

Moments like these terrified me, because we were so, so profoundly happy together, but anyone could sense the sadness below. It was always there, lingering, like the smoke you got after blowing out a candle. I couldn't remember when I first noticed it, but I knew that the night I did, I didn't even sleep for twenty minutes. 

Moments like these made me think of George, allowing guilt to seep into my body and weigh me down like a tonne of bricks.

I hadn't spoken to George, aside from ridiculous small talk, at all in the past two weeks. I didn't want to hurt him anymore, or maybe I just didn't want to hurt myself.

Matty looked at me and leaned down to kiss me, but just as our lips collided, my phone started buzzing. I groaned, pulling back and grabbing it from the bedside table next to where I was lying on the left side, my side, of our soft double bed. 

"Your dad?" He asked and I nodded my head as I opened the text. 

'Lizzy, please answer me. What do you want for your birthday? Can you come home for a few days? Margerate won't be here and you can bring Matthew if you want. X Dad.'

"I guess we're going to see my dad in a fortnight." I sighed, hating how weak I was. 

——

I'M SO EXCITED TO BE WRITING THIS OOOOO

also i'm sorry this wasn't 100% great, i just never really know where to start <3

and thank you to @alchemists for the lovely cover <3