Burn

Chapter 1

Hello everyone, I have never written something like this before, something that really deals with mental health and toxic relationships. I am gonna give it a go and see what you guys think of it. Let me know.

Soundtrack: Murder Song by Aurora

~*~

She sat at the edge of her bed counting her breath. Her mind was numb and chaotic at the same time. The darkness that she once feared to be in, now gave her solace from her own thoughts. She closed her eyes, imagining the sand beneath her. The waves. She could hear the waves, the scorching sun above her, and the warm sand tickling her palm. She missed the beach. She missed the way her mind would wander at the sound of waves. All she had left from the beach were the memories, ones that were fading away with every second. It was daunting. The realization of letting her mind slip from her. She felt like she was losing control. When was she ever in control?

But you were. The voice at the back of her head whispered. She could feel his presence in front of her, crouching over to her ears, to whisper. You were in control. He taunted her, so spiteful. She tried to ignore this figment of her imagination. His words. She focused again on the sound of waves, letting her imagination flow. How long can you ignore me? I am you. She gulped and shut her eyes tighter. She didn't have to listen to him. He was nobody. He was just her imagination, someone she created to taunt her. But you want to burn in these words. You want me to say them to you. You want me.

She thought she was losing her mind. He was always there at the back of her head. He never left her. She would feel his presence even when she was around people. I am here because you want me. She bit her bottom lip enough to make it hurt, enough to make him stop. I will leave when you want me to leave, but you don't want me to, do you? I am the only piece of sanity you have left. She knew he was right. He was the figment of her anger, pain, and impulse. His words burned through her every day and so she knew, that is how she knew she was still real. Her reality and imagination had begun to blur.

"Insiya?" The loud knock on her door pulled her out of her head.

"C-Coming," she replied, loud enough for her flatmate to hear.

Insiya rose from the bed slowly. It felt as if her legs could not carry the weight of her body anymore, but she did not want anyone else to see that. But you want sympathy, don't you? Deep down you know that you want someone to look at you, see you.

"Hey," She opened the door with a wide smile.

"Took you a hot minute. I made you food," Naomi smiled before strutting to the kitchen.

She pities you. His last words faded away as she walked down the corridor to the kitchen. Naomi was already preparing a plate for herself and pushed a plate towards Insiya. Insiya kept her phone on the counter and washed her hands.

"You need to do groceries soon. I am out of food myself. Should we go tomorrow?" Naomi's eyes were glued to her screen. "Oh, we also need to take the trash out. No one else in this flat does that shit anymore."

"We can take the trash out tomorrow," Insiya quickly looked at the bins. It was overpouring.

Naomi was right. The other flatmates could care less about trash, but everyone was so busy, it was the end of term. Insiya concentrated on her food. She had essays to write after this. She could not let her thoughts take the best of her. She could not let him take the best of her. Not yet at least. The food Naomi made was always delicious. Her famous lasagna recipe was to die for, a recipe she learned from her mother. Insiya had tried to make it herself over the break, but it was not the same.

"I'll do the dishes," she stopped Naomi from washing the dishes.

"Are you sure?" Naomi furrowed her brows. Insiya did not want her to do the dishes anymore. She was covering her house chores for the past three days.

"Yes," anything to not listen to his voice.

Naomi nodded before putting the plates in the sink. Even though the last thing she wanted was to be left alone with her thoughts, she did not want to be overbearing. Naomi had tried to be as helpful as one could be, but everyone had their own thing to do. Insiya did not want to be anyone's burden. But you are. He was back. I was always here and why blame me when you wanted me to be back? Accept it, you hate being alone. Insiya picked up her plate and started washing them in the sink, trying her best to ignore the spiteful voice in her head.

You know, I don't get it. You call me spiteful and yet you want me.

She kept rinsing. She could feel her heartbeat loud enough to break through her ribcage.

You have always wanted me. You could have just shut me off. As you say, I am just your imagination.

She gripped the knife in her hand harder as she rinsed it.

You will not hurt yourself; do you get it? You are mine. MINE.

She didn't let go of the knife, simply stared at it. Would it be too bad to just slit her palms with it? He would stop then maybe. Don't you dare! You're mine.

"Hey," the knife fell from her hand. "Whoa, you okay?" Elaine hurried towards her.

"Yeah, I am okay. I didn't hear you come in," she responded quickly, avoiding eye contact.

"That's okay. How was your day?" 

"I was just studying." Lies.

"It's been quite a lot, isn't it? I can barely even wash my hair," she heard the fridge door close behind her.

"Same, I don't remember the last time I took a proper shower. The deadlines are killing me," Insiya turned off the tap.

"No shit. I honestly need a vacation at this point," Elaine spoke while she washed her vegetables beside her. You will never be as pretty as her.

Insiya watched Elaine intently. Her blonde hair was freshly cut, and her bangs made her look prettier than she already was. She was petite and yet had all her curves in the right places. Elaine was what Insiya thought a beautiful British blonde looked like. She was proper and charming. Look away. Are you stupid? She cleared her throat before moving away from the sink.

"See you later," Insiya walked out of their common kitchen and heard her respond vaguely.

Insiya locked her door and sat down in front of her laptop. She had tried to study all day and failed every time. It was getting harder and harder to concentrate these days. His voice just grew louder. At this rate, she was going to fail her courses. You weren't doing great, to begin with. There he was again, leaning by the window gazing at her with disgust.

"You are not real," Insiya whispered as she stared blankly at the screen. "You are not real".

I am as real as it gets. I am real to you and that's what matters. Insiya gulped and chewed the inside of her bottom lip, trying hard to concentrate on her article. The letters seemed to be floating and nothing she read made sense. Why are you trying so hard? You can't do it. Insiya tried to shut him off. She shut her eyes. She felt her fingertips tingle. Was she going to have another panic attack? Wasn't it too much already? She felt the warmth of her tears on her cheek. She wasn't going to let him make her feel small again. You say that every time.

Ting.

Her eyes shot open. Any second of relief from him was welcomed. She wanted distraction. She wanted him to stop.

"Chess?" The text read.

"Yes." Aren't you desperate for attention?