The perspective

The boy

~TW: suicide~

   And here I am, one more step and her knife will be in my throat, one more step and all of this will end.

  I know what she's thinking in this moment, I would've thought the same thing awhile ago: 'Why don't I fight back? Why don't I defend myself?' - I am not terriyed, nor scared. Maybe life doesn't make sense to me anymore, maybe I just wanna die. But I push all those thoughts back were they came from, and I say the last thing I wish I had heard coming out of my mouth. But she needs to know this before I die (or maybe I need to know that I said this before I died).

   "I love you", 'cause it is true. I think I've always loved her, but I just pushed this feeling far away form my heart, building a wall around it, this wall was meant to protect my heart from all the feelings I could ever have, whether they were kindness and love or fear and hatred. In this world you are not supposed to feel something for somebody, you are not supposed to be anything. We are like robots, we have one and only one choice - kill or be killed. And I was nothing, until this moment, because you realize important things in the moment when you loose everything.

   "No, you don't", an immediate response to my declaration, one that sounded so sure.

   I didn't expected this, I was a fool for expecting something else, still what other different thing could be there to say - Well once a fool, always a fool.

   "No you don't", I hear one more time, but this time with uncertainty in her voice. I don't understand why she sounded so uncertain, did something chang her mind, maybe she also loves me, maybe I am not a fool after all for saying what I said. She realeased the grip, and took two steps back, still I can't understand what has happened. She looks confused and unprepaired, and just a moment later a piercing sound shot through the air, it was short but loud, 'cause it was a gun shot. I wasn't the target, the target was the girl I am in love with, the one that finally had the opportunity to kill me, but didn't.
  I look in the distance, there is a tall, dark figure that is approaching me. Just as soons as I can see him clearly I understand that that's my best friend, the person whom I trusted the most, whom I told all my secrets and weaknesses.
  "Well you weren't going to do it, so someone had to." He tells me with a smile all over his face. "I'm gonna kill you", I say quietly, barely a whisper. "No, you won't" he laughed. "I can still hear you, you know? You didn't kill her and you don't even know who she is, so what makes you think that you are able to kill me? I'm your friend, your best friend, I've always supported and helped you, now just imagine that I am doing you a favor." he laughed again, it sounded more like a hysterical laught, but still I couldn't understand what was so funny, what favor is he doing me?
  "You think you're doing me a favor, if so then this is the biggest lie I've ever heard. You think the leaders won't get rid of me just because the girl is dead?, well guess what - I didn't kill her, so I did not fulfill my task, now if you could, please consider me dead. You think that by doing this, by killing her everything will be fine, everything will come back to normal, I won't be so distant anymore and we could be again _best friends for life_, I regret telling you this but that's wrong.
  "She's the one that kept me alive the past few months. When you weren't around, my dear friend, I kept thinking about her. This thoughts helped escape that period of time when all I thought was if this life makes any sens anymore. I don't really understand you anymore, do you?" His smile slowly faded away. I finally told him everything that was on my mind and I don't regret a thing. "Well, my dear friend, your only hope should be dead by now, so you could enjoy yourself watching her lifeless body."
  This made me realize where I was and what happened just a few moments ago. I turned to the body that lied there on the ground looking calm, like it finally was in peace. I  walked slowly with fear towards her, fear of knowing that I have done this, that just one sentence was enough to kill her. I lightly grabbed her and held her tight to my chest. If holding her like this could repair something, and if by doing this she could magically come to life. No no no, this can't be happening, this is wrong. She wasn't supposed to die, it was me. She was supposed to kill me, but now she is in my place.
  Her knife is in her hand, she died with the knife in the hand like a true warrior. I took this knife and I look at it, thinking about my life and what I could've done different. In this moment everything comes to my mind, I could've done everything so different.
  I hated my life, it wasn't mine. I lived in it just because it was told me to do so. And now with this in mind I push her knife trough my throat, knowing that this is how it should have been in the first place.
  I think that after all I leave this story, I leave her story.